Tag Archive | post traumatic stress

Lord, I hope this day is Good

Nov, 14 –

Graduation day!¬† Last radiation treatment ūüôā¬†

¬†I started the day with a zillion thoughts buzzing around in my mind.¬† Today is my last treatment.¬† Today is the last day of my journey.¬† In the beginning, I thought this day would never come.¬† Here it is.¬† While I was going through everything, the days just drug on by.¬† ¬†Looking back, honestly, it flew.¬† We are in November.¬† Soon it’ll be Thanksgiving.¬† ¬†My mind and my soul have been reeling since Valentine’s.¬† I just need rest.¬† I need mental and emotional rest.¬† ¬†My soul needs peace.¬† The anticipation of what the day will bring has me on edge.¬† ¬†I am relieved, that when I walk out of there, I AM DONE.¬† But I have mixed emotions.¬† ¬†Naturally, I have anxiety but I’ve had that for weeks now.¬† I feel anxious, happy, sad, I feel trepidation.¬† My feelings are all over the place.¬† My mental pain is still lingering and I just wanna be done.¬† I hope today is a good day.¬† ¬†

This song has been playing in my mind.¬† A lot of it, is me and how I’ve been feeling lately.¬† Empty and misunderstood, although, I am grateful.¬† I just want today to be a good day.¬†

 

ūüé∂ LORD, I HOPE THIS DAY IS GOODūüéĶ

ūüéľūüé∂Lord, I hope this day is good.¬† I’m feeling empty and misunderstood.¬† ¬†I should be thankful, Lord I know I should but Lord, I hope this day is good.¬†

Lord, have you forgotten me?¬† I’ve been praying to you faithfully.¬† ¬†I’m not saying I’m a righteous man but Lord, I hope you understand.¬†

I don’t need fortune and I don’t need fame.¬† Send down the thunder Lord send down the rain. But when your planning¬† just how it will be, plan a good day for me.¬†

Lord, I hope this day is good.¬† I’m feeling empty and misunderstood.¬† ¬†I should be thankful, Lord I know I should, but Lord, I hope this day is good.¬†

You’ve been the King since the dawn of time.¬† ¬†All that I’m asking is a little less cryin.¬† It might be hard for the devil to do but it would be easy for you. ūüéĶūüé∂

 Lord, please just give me a good day.

 

Clara Sue came and picked me up.¬† ¬†I asked her to come with me today, since it’s my last time.¬† I wanted her to be there.¬† Here we go.¬†

When we got there, all the receptionists and nurses were excited for me.¬† ¬†“yay, last day!!”

¬†Sitting in the waiting area, I became friends with another patient receiving radiation.¬† ¬†She was older, maybe in her 70’s, great spirit.¬† We were always there at the same time and we’d sit and wait together til it was our turn.¬† She was happy for me. We talked about life after radiation.¬† ¬†I was getting more and more anxious.¬† I get called back.¬† ¬†Eeek , It’s time.¬†

This is the last time I’ll have to get in this thing.¬†¬†

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You can see the lazers as they line me up.¬† I’ve had great doctors.¬† That’s so important in a journey like this one.¬† You see them everyday, so they become a part of your routine.¬†

One of my wrists’ is in a brace.¬† They hurt so bad.¬† ¬†My whole body hurts with pain. I hope all of this goes away once I’m done.¬† I miss the ‘me’ that felt good.¬† The one that was happy all the time and never complained about pain. I’ve missed her a lot. I hope she comes back and that she’s not gone forever. Cuz, I’m not sure I can handle this new normal that has become my life.¬† I hate it.¬† I just don’t feel good, inside or out.¬† And I feel it from head to toe.¬†

A few minutes later.¬† All done. yes!!¬† We walk out to the hallway.¬† It’s time to ring my last bell.¬† Treatment is all over.¬† I made it.¬† ¬†I can feel a ball in my throat.¬† I’m getting choked up.¬† ¬†I started to get emotional as I went to go change.¬† Jill was still waiting, the other patient I bacame friends with.¬† We hugged and wished each other well.¬† I started to cry.¬† Something that didn’t happen the last time.¬†

It’s time. My doctors are with me.¬† I’m ready.¬† ¬†*ringing the bell*¬† last teatment.¬† I did so much better this time.¬†

 

Like the doctor said, “keep moving forward, no looking in the rearview mirror”¬† Nope, not a chance, no looking back.¬† ¬†Time to go forward.¬† ¬†This journey took 9 months and 1 day.¬† ¬†I could’ve had a baby in the time.¬† I would have much rather of had a baby.¬† This was rough and it still is.¬† ¬†There went my whole year and I thought 2017 was gonna be a good one.¬† It was my worst.

Let’s go.¬† I’m ready to leave.¬† But first, there is something that I need to do.¬† I asked Clara Sue if she would come with me to the infusion center on the other side from where we were.¬† ¬†I need to do something and I want her to be there.¬† As we walked in, I met up with my oncology nurses that I had during chemo.¬† Yay, celebration talks and congratulations.¬† I found Sara.¬† Sara was my main oncology nurse.¬† ¬†We ended up connecting so well during my infusions.¬† My very first day of chemo, I was frightened, anxious, nervous.¬† The unknown is very scary.¬† She had something for me.¬† A necklace, from a survivor.¬† She was instructed to give it the next one who came in for treatment for breast cancer.¬† ¬†It was me.¬† ¬†She gave it to me.¬† Along with hope to never give up.¬† That stayed with me throughout my journey.¬† A little hope can go a long way.¬† I wanted to do just the same.¬† We need to build each other up and become each others strength.¬† Whether we know one another or not.¬† ¬†I never knew this lady, didn’t even know her name.¬† but it touched me.¬† I want to continue that.¬† ¬†I am passing hope and strength forward.¬† To give the next one who comes in, the encouragement she needs to put up a good fight.¬† ¬†This is my gift to her.¬†

¬†“Fight hard and don’t ever give up”

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Together ‘WE’ can make a difference.¬†

¬†As we walked out, my emotions were bubbling to the surface.¬† It felt that at any moment they were about to explode.¬† ¬†I didn’t feel this when I finished chemo.¬† ¬†Honestly, I felt nothing.¬† I felt numb, turned off.¬† Robotic, almost.¬† Just going through the motions.¬† ¬†This time was different.¬† ¬†This time it needed to come out.¬† ¬†That wall of built up feelings started to crumble and it wasn’t long til it came crashing down.¬† ¬†That dam broke.¬† All those feelings from the past 10 months came bursting out.¬† This is the release that I had been needing for soo long.¬† I bawled my heart out.¬† The floodgates opened up and out came all my fears, my anguish, the hurt, the pain. I finally let it all out.¬† I finally allowed myself to cry and to feel everything.¬† I cried the rest of the afternoon.¬† It was nonstop.¬† So much needed to be released.¬† I had to let it go.¬† I had to get it out of my system. It was just there, festering, making me miserable, making my chest feel so heavy, so heavy that it felt like I couldn’t breathe.¬† Guess what,¬† I was able to breathe,¬† I was finally able to take in that deep breathe and let it back out.¬† Oh how I needed to let go of the fear and the anguish.¬† All this time I wasn’t able to get that release.¬† Today, I finally got it.¬† I finally let all those feelings that I’ve been pushing down, out.¬† I acknowledge it all. I faced it.¬† I finally let it go.¬† I felt so much better, on the inside.¬† ¬†My¬† soul felt relieved.¬†

By the end of the day, I was emotionally exhausted.¬† But now, I can finally say, ” I am officially free and clear”¬† Oh my goodness!!¬† Free and clear.¬† ¬†What wonderful words.¬†

I am mentally and emotionally worn out.¬† Exhausted.¬† ¬†But my soul feels relief.¬† I can move on now.¬† I can gather the scattered leaves of my life and try to put them back together.¬† I hope I can.¬† I hope that now, my mind and my soul will be released from that prison they’ve been entangled in.¬†¬†

 

I hope

 

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Lord,¬† thank you for giving me a good day.¬† That’s all I asked for.¬†

 

 

Tomorrow, I start picking up the pieces

 

 

 

 

 

Mental and emotional Pain

The depths of this dark, bottomless pit are unforgiving.¬† I keep falling, further and further down.¬† There is no end in sight.¬† I’m holding on as tight as I can but I’m slipping.¬† Slipping at a high rate of speed.¬† ¬†What do I do?¬† There is nothing to grab on to.¬† I’m trying soo hard, but I can’t.¬†¬†

bottomless pit

My mind and my heart are so lost ūüėü ¬† I’m definitely broken.¬† I feel like scattered autumn leaves with nowhere to go, blowing in all directions.¬† ¬† I know I am finally grieving and processing everything I have been through.¬† ¬†My doctor says she is going to get me back to where I was.¬† I really hope so.¬† I just can’t take this ‘feeling lost’ anymore.¬† I’m so afraid. ¬†The fear of this impending doom is horrible.

Nov. 2 –¬† Today I feel so blah.¬† That’s nothing unusual but I feel super exhuasted.¬† Actually it’s that fatigue I’ve grown to hate so much.¬† ¬†Not sure if the side effects of radiation are catching up with me or the start of the new medication.¬† ¬†It doesn’t help that today is the anniversary that I lost my Pops.¬† I told myself this morning that I wasn’t gonna be sad, that today was gonna be a good day. But I miss my best friend so much.¬† Our talks and just hanging out.¬† Things, I feel, would be a lot easier to deal with if I had him here.¬† This nasty ordeal has had me longing for my parents like never before and the post traumatic stress makes it 10x harder.¬† ¬†

Today is day 2 of the medication.¬† I don’t feel a difference.¬† Yes, I know I just started it.¬† But if you’re like me, I want things to work yesterday.¬† ¬†I’m at the end of my rope, mentally, that I literally can’t wait for it to cycle and build up in my system.¬† ¬†I’m so afraid of the feelings I’ve been having.¬† My mind is so trapped, drowning.¬† I can’t breathe.¬† ¬†I can’t wait for Dominic to get home from school.¬† I don’t want to be by myself.¬† ¬†As much as I tried to not miss my Pops,¬† I was so sad and depressed, it even brought my son down.¬† It played over and over in my mind, the day we lost him, like a movie stuck on repeat.¬† I couldn’t turn it off.¬† My fragile mental state was at its very lowest.¬† ¬†Today was a very hard day.¬† ¬†

My aches and pains seem to be getting better by a millimeter.¬† Yeah, not much at all.¬† ¬†The pain in my knees is gone but unfortunately, it is everywhere else. ¬†I think a lot of it settled in my wrists’, they really hurt, a lot.¬† ¬†I cancelled my upcoming physical therapy appointments cuz they were conflicting with my radiation appts.¬† Frankly, I lost interest in going to PT ever since she suggested that 6 week program she wanted to put me in.¬† ¬†I’m just tired.¬† Tired of going here and there.¬† ¬†Yes, I am a stubborn ass.¬† You’ll be happy to know that I am still doing all of my exercises at home that she had given me.¬†

¬†Nov. 3 –¬† weekly hair progress.¬†¬†

3 months (exactly) post chemotherapy.¬† ¬†It’s thickening up.¬†

 

 

Guess what?¬† I only have 7 more radiation treatments left. Yay!!¬† ¬†It really is going by fast.¬† My skin is so irritable.¬† ¬†It definitely looks burnt.¬† ¬†I rub that healing ointment on faithfully.¬† It really does help.¬† Wearing a bra or anything that is tight or rubbing is very uncomfortable and painful.¬† Going braless always feels like Heaven but even more so now.¬† You won’t understand til you’ve been there.¬† ¬†Sports bras REALLY help.¬† ¬†I so recommend those for anyone going through boob radiation.¬†

Nov 8 –¬† Today I finally got out of the house.¬† I made plans with one of my good friends, Celina.¬† We have known each other since Dominic was a baby, she’s like having a sister.¬† ¬†She knows that things have been rough for me and we’ve been talking about getting together.¬† So, we finally did.¬† We were just gonna go to lunch but she ended up joining me at my rad appointment.¬† ¬† That made me happy.¬† I actually couldn’t wait to have some friend time and of course, some lunch.¬† ¬† She came a bit early, so we had time to talk.¬† Ive been telling her for awhile now, that I just need to cry.¬† ¬†She said all the right things to get that wall of pain and anxiety to crumble down.¬† I was finally able to cry, but just a bit. It didn’t all come out but at least I was able to release some of the anguish and fear from the last 9 months.¬† ¬†Telling her through tears, ” I don’t know what happened to my mental strength.¬† I just don’t feel like that strong person anymore.¬† I have no idea where she went.”¬† She was comforting.¬† She understood my mental struggles.¬† She didn’t tell me how to feel.¬† She didn’t tell me what to do.¬† ¬†She didn’t tell me that there are others that have it worse than I do.¬† She didn’t push me, she just waited.¬† Sat with me.¬† She was that shoulder to cry on.¬† ¬†Sometimes, all you need is someone to just sit with you.¬† Not to say anything or do anything.¬† ¬†Just someone to be there.¬† ¬†She was there.¬† ¬† She allowed me to feel whatever I needed to feel.¬† A lot of people have told me, “be grateful, look at how far you’ve come” or ” Don’t think that way”¬† or ” go out and do something, you’ll feel better.”¬† ¬†Don’t tell me how to handle it if you don’t understand what I am going through.¬† You have no idea.¬† When people tell you, you are a strong person, you feel ashamed to say you’re not that strong.¬† It makes it even harder to ask for help.¬† You feel weak and embarrased.¬† But know that I am doing my best considering my situation.¬†

 I needed this day.  I needed someone who understood.  I needed her.  She was there.  She was just what I needed.  

 

 

 

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This was us (Celina and I)¬† on Superbowl Sunday, 2017.¬† ¬†I was happy.¬† Things were good.¬† Life was good.¬† ¬†This was one week before my diagnosis.¬† ¬†Then, my world was turned upsidedown.¬† I was gutted, shattered, knocked flat on my ass.¬† ¬† I wanna get back to a day like this day.¬† ¬†I wanna get back to normal.¬† I wanna be happy again.¬† I wanna be. . .¬† ‘me’

 I felt better after our day together.  Thank you, I love you

 

Mental struggles, I have learned, are very hard.¬† Unless you have been there, people just don’t understand, that when you are suffering mentally, you feel – sad/lonely/angry/upset/hopeless/devastated. . . in despair and the despair for me has snowballed rapidly.¬† ¬†Do, I wanna feel this way?¬† No, I don’t.¬† But I can’t help it.¬† Post traumatic stress/Depression is an illness, it needs to be treated just like any other.¬† When we don’t feel well, like when we have a cold or the flu or we have a toothache, we go to the doctor/dentist.¬† We’re given medication, antibiotics.¬† How come we don’t do the same with anxiety or depression?¬†

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Please remember;  Mental health is just as important

 

It is frustrating when people don’t understand how you feel.

 

Nov 9 – weekly progress

14 weeks post chemotherapy

I’m getting a teeny bit of a wave in the back.

 

 

Today was actually a good day.¬† Haven’t had one of those in so long.¬† ¬†It wasn’t great but it wasn’t horrible either.¬† I’ll take it.¬† ¬† Maybe my ‘friend time’ yesterday had a lot to do with it.¬†¬†

 

I only have 3 more treatments to go!!¬† Next week, I’ll be completely done.¬† It’ll be all over.¬† The end to this M$%(##_) F#$^#_)$^*_)_$)^ nightmare will be over.¬† I’m so glad I can almost say that.¬†

 

¬†Well, I am one week in to my medication.¬† ¬†I still don’t see or feel a difference.¬† I wonder if this will work for me?¬† ¬†Again I am scouring the internet looking for answers.¬† Reading reviews to see if this med has been a success for people.¬† ¬†It’s crazy how all of this has had me hunger and obsess for info.¬† ¬†It’s the need to feel and want relief.¬† ¬†I just can ‘t imagine living my life with physical and mental pain.¬† I won’t last.¬† Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who constantly send me uplift verses or memes.¬† ¬†Unfortunately, it’s not enough to take away all the pain that my mind is suffering.¬† It only goes on like a bandaid for 2 seconds and then it’s ripped off again and I’m coming unglued.¬† Please Lord,¬† I know there’s a way to climb out of this.¬† I’m just not that strong, yet.¬† ¬†With some of the blogs that I have come across and almost all of the reviews I’ve read, it seems that it takes roughly 2 weeks for anyone to feel like it is working.¬† ¬†Well, that is exactly what the doctor told me.¬† ¬†I guess it’s true.¬† One more week to hopefully feel better.¬† Soon, I will be able to increase the dose.¬† ¬†You have to start off slowly to see how it is gonna make you feel.¬† after about a week and a half you can start to increase the dose.¬† ¬†I can almost do that.¬†

This is what my doctor prescribed me –¬†¬†Sertraline 50 mg,

It helps with РPTSD, anxiety, depression, sleeping disorders, panic attacks and other ailments. 

 

 

As much as I couldn’t wait to get to the end of this journey, I never imagined I was gonna sink this low.¬† It never crossed my mind.¬† ¬†I’m not sure it crosses anyones mind until they get to this point.¬† Why would it?¬† We (I) have so much to be thankful for.¬† ¬†I’m almost to the end.¬† Just a few more days.¬† ¬†I AM cancer free.¬† My margins are clear.¬† I made it through chemo and all the illnesses that came with it – loss of hair, horrible mouth sores, bad taste, bad eye site, weight loss, dry skin, kidney stones, shingles, neuropathy, you name it.¬† ¬†I made it through surgery – Wires, radioactive dye, partial mastectomy and lumpectomy (other side), lymph node dissection, anesthesia and all the pain afterwards.¬† I’m almost to the end of my last hurdle (radiation) and I’m surviving that.¬† ¬†So, why on earth would I feel so down and hopeless?¬† Crawling out of my skin and thoughts of ending my life?¬† ¬†I have so much to be happy about.¬† I should be at the top of the mountain shouting out at the top of my lungs, “I made it, I made it”.¬† ¬†I should be enjoying life and smiling from ear to ear, also saying, “no, no devil, not this time.¬† Even though you had a big hold on me,¬† You weren’t gonna win.”¬† Instead, I am lost, I’m confused. I feel detached.¬† ¬†I’m at the bottom of the pit.¬† Rock bottom.¬† On the dark side.¬† ¬†A place I had heard of many times but didn’t think exsisted.¬† ¬†A place that before this journey, I knew I would never be.¬† How could I?¬† I’m just too happy for that kind of a place.¬† Guess what?¬† ¬†I’m there.¬† I am at that place.¬† Yes, me, your high spirited, Strong, playful, joking, best positive attitude girl, is in that dark place.¬† ¬†Believe it.¬† It is true.¬†

You know what? Aside from no one ever talking about the painful physical after effects of chemo, for sure, no one talks about the mental and emotional side effects.¬† Everyone rallies around you through your journey.¬† They boost you up so you have the strength and courage to fight.¬† They give you tons of love and support.¬† Saying, “you can do it.¬† You are brave, you’re a warrior.”¬† Why don’t we get the same support when we feel mental and emotional pain?¬† Why isn’t the love and support the same?¬† People believe that mental pain isn’t real.¬† That it is not an illness, that it’s a choice to feel that way.¬† So, instead of getting all that support, you almost get. . . . . bullied, mocked, frowned upon.¬† The love isn’t the same.¬† No one rallies around you.¬† No one gives you courage and strength to make it through THIS challenge.¬† The support isn’t there.¬† ¬†Here come the stupid ‘pep talks’,¬† “You’re too strong, why would you feel this way?,¬† This isn’t you.¬† You have so much to be grateful for.¬† You survived”.¬† ¬†It’s like, ‘yeah, I did survive.¬† But did you know that last week and the week before that,¬† I felt like slitting my wrists?,¬† I felt like ending my life and that wasn’t the first time.”¬† The cancer didn’t kill me, but my mind just might.¬† It’s a whole other battle.¬† I didn’t ask for this, just like I didn’t ask to get breast cancer.’¬† ¬†Love and support me the same.¬† Regardless of what kind of illness I may have. Mental pain hurts just as bad and it is just as deadly as cancer is.¬† ¬†

When a person begins their cancer journey, they DO tell you to talk with a therapist.¬† They encourage it, just like they do everything else.¬† ¬†They encourage it but they don’t really tell you why.¬† They just say it’s a good idea. They don’t explain and say that you could possibly have a mental break when it is all said and done.¬† They just tell you ‘your cancer journey will be long’,¬† they don’t say that it continues mentally and emotionally. (hence the PTSD)¬† So, no, you are not really done with your journey when you finish your chemo.¬† It is not until the storm settles, that you are finally able to ‘feel and deal’ with what you have just been through.¬† To finally grasp and wrap your head around your diagnosis and treatment.¬† To finally see all the pieces of the scattered leaves (your life).¬† ¬†and how they are strewn about everywhere.¬† Do I let them blow away with the wind or do I gather them all up?¬† ¬†I don’t even have the strength to do that.¬† I am so detached.¬† From day 1 ( diagnosis) you ARE in a malicious whirlwind of doctors appt, chemo appts, everything, that you just don’t see til way later, just how damaged and broken you really are.

 

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To any and everyone who has ever suffered.  This is coming from the person ( me) that used to judge mental illness. 

I am so sorry

 

From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry that I ever judged you.¬† I’m sorry that I thought you were weak and not strong enough to overcome the feelings that you were having.¬† ¬† I’m sorry that I’M the one who questioned, “how can somebody feel like that?¬† How can someone let things get that bad?¬† Why would someone end their life?”¬† I can’t say it enough,¬† “I am sorry.”¬† ¬†I should’ve never questioned anyone’s actions.¬† I should’ve never put the blame on them.¬† I should’ve never thought, ‘it’s a choice, not an illness’.¬† ¬†When it IS most definitely an illness and it shouldn’t be over looked as being weak.¬† ¬†I should’ve never. . . . .¬† ¬†I just shouldn’t have.¬† ¬† I had no idea.¬† No idea at all, until I found myself walking in those same shoes.¬† ¬†I would’ve never known until I had to go through it myself.¬† ¬†I don’t wanna be in those shoes.¬† I don’t wanna wear them.¬† They hurt and they make my soul ache.¬† ¬†It’s a desperate ache.¬† An ache that wont go away.¬† Please help me to take these shoes off.¬† They’re very tight and they’ve left me blistered and bleeding.¬† I can’t walk in them anymore.¬† They’ve left me crawling.¬† It’s caused me so much pain.¬†

 

¬†It is so true when they say, ‘You don’t know what anyone is going through until you’ve been there yourself.”¬† I know now.¬† I understand now.¬† I get it.¬† Your soul hurts, your heart hurts, your mind hurts.¬† It just hurts, everything.¬† I know you have lots of people who love you but you still feel alone.¬† Cuz, I do.¬† I’m not trying to shut anyone out, but I am.¬† I’m not trying to feel alone, but I feel all alone. I’m not trying to be lost and sad, but I am.¬† ¬†I’m not trying to end my life but that’s what I feel.¬† I didn’t choose to feel this way, but I do.¬† ¬†I can’t control it and I know you can’t either.¬† But there is help, I just had to ask for it.¬† It’s hard to ask for help, I realize that.¬† I needed to ask for help cuz I understand now that all it takes is a strong moment of despair to end all things.¬† I was almost at that point.¬† The thoughts are over powering.¬† It’s like having your hands tied behind your back.¬† ¬†You are no longer in control of yourself.¬† The demons (thoughts) are.¬†

 

To the person(s) that found the despair to be too much –¬† It hurts me, deeply, that you took your life.¬† The feelings are profound.¬† I am so sad that it ended this way and sad for the people around you who loved you dearly.¬† ¬†I am sad for the promising life that was awaiting you, but I do understand that all you wanted was peace.¬† ¬†Cuz I want peace.¬† ¬†I yearn for it.¬† ¬†I pray for it.¬† I hope I find it.¬† ¬†I don’t take one day at a time anymore.¬† It has gotten to a point where it is one moment at a time.¬† ¬†Cuz from one moment to the next, is unpredictable.¬†

 I hope and pray that you found peace. That peace that you so needed, even if it was in the worst way.  And I hope you know, You are loved. 

 

Please get help.¬† Don’t be afraid to ask for help.¬† I will NEVER judge your struggles again,

 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

Depression

 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://suicidehotlines.com/newmexico.html

 

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Always check on your friends.¬† ¬†The happiest ones could be having the darkest feelings.¬† And. . . . don’t ever judge.¬†

 

¬†Nov 13 –¬† This is my last week of radiation!!!!¬† One more day to go.¬† I can’t believe this time has come.¬† I’ve been waiting for this since February.¬† ONE MORE DAY!

 

 

 

Tomorrow is my last radiation!!  I get to ring my last and final bell

 

 

 

Hitting rock Bottom

I couldn’t get over the loss of our beloved furbaby, Riley.¬† ¬†It hit me so hard, it broke me in a way that I couldn’t pick myself back up.¬† I cried for days on end.¬† ¬†It didn’t help that the day she went to kittie heaven was the anniversary that I lost my Mom.¬† ¬†And of course, the circumstances surrounding the passing of Riley.¬† Let’s just say, I don’t know how to forgive my dogs, especially Honey.¬† ¬†I’m so sad and heartbroke.¬† I can’t look at her without crying my heart out.¬† She totally broke my heart.¬† Dealing with that on top of everything else and the anniversary of my Mama was just too much for me.¬†

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¬†I didn’t see it coming, but this was the beginning of my downward spiral.¬† ¬†It was an avalanche of pure pain and despair and I didn’t know if I was gonna pull through.¬† Something in me snapped, mentally, and it sent me spiraling into a dark, ugly world.¬†

 

Sept 25 –¬† ¬†My aches and pains haven’t subsided at all.¬† ¬†Everyday it get worse and worse.¬† ¬†I have an appointment with my primary doctor at the end of the month to discuss all this pain and I can’t wait.¬† I have the pain meds that my oncologist gave me but I just don’t want to take such a heavy medication all the time, even though it does help with the pain.¬† It doesn’t help me to sleep.¬† ¬†It seems like I’m taking pure caffiene.¬† It keeps me wide awake.¬† Getting out of bed has become very hard.¬† My joints¬† and my bones hurt sooo bad.¬† ¬†Sitting in one spot for even just a little while has become dreadful.¬† Everything hurts.¬† My feet, the bottoms of my feet, my heels, my knees, my back.¬† ¬†I. . just. . hurt. . everywhere.¬† It’s still hurts very much for me to grasp the steering wheel.¬† I’ve never had this kind of physical pain before.¬† ¬†Not even through the chemo.¬† So, why is this hitting me now??¬† I finished chemo 7 weeks ago.¬† What is going on??¬† I hope my primary has some answers for me.¬† ¬†

Sept. 28 – It rained for 6 hours straight last night.¬† And as much as I love the rain and cloudy days, it really brought me down.¬† This kind of weather never makes me feel this way but this time it was horrible.¬† It made me soo sad. I couldn’t wait for the rain to go away.¬† ¬†I’ve tried my best to have good days but I just miss my furbaby so much and all this pain doesn’t help either.¬† ¬†I’ve cried everyday but in public I put on a happy face.¬† I’ve been getting these weird feelings at night when I’m trying to get some sleep.¬† ¬†Something washes over me.¬† ¬†I don’t know if its bits of anxiety or what.¬† ¬†But I don’t like how it feels and I’ve noticed it’s happening at night.¬†

¬†Tonight Dominic and I are having a dinner date with Clara Sue and her husband.¬† ¬†We are gonna cook at her house and make chicken fried steak..¬† mmmm.¬† ¬† Even though I love her company and can’t wait to hang out, there is a part of me that doesn’t wanna go.¬† ¬†Maybe I can get out of this funk.¬† ¬†This pain just makes it hard to enjoy anything.¬†

On a better note,  I took these pictures before we left.   This is the progress so far. 

 

8 weeks post chemotherapy

 

¬†Dinner was great and so was the company.¬† We decided to watch a movie.¬† ¬†The newest Transformers.¬† ¬†They had never seen it and we just bought it, so, it’s a movie night.¬† ¬†Getting comfortable was nearly impossible.¬† My joints are starting to lock up on me and the idea of sitting through a 2+ hour movie brought me down.¬† ¬†I hid the misery of my pain but tried to enjoy it the best that I could.¬† ¬†Those feelings that I mentioned earlier bubbled up to the surface during a cliff scene in the movie.¬† ¬†I don’t know why but during this scene, feelings of dread just washed over me.¬† It actually gave me anxiety.¬† ¬†It felt like I was dangling from that cliff about to fall.¬† It was a horrible feeling that I couldnt get rid of.¬† ¬†I never feel like this during movies, EVER.¬† ¬†These are the same feelings that I’ve been feeling at night.¬† For some reason this particular scene triggered those feelings.¬† It actually made me feel scared.¬† ¬†I don’t understand.¬† Why would I feel this way??¬† Over a movie?¬† ¬†Especially when you have your good friends and your son sitting next to you.¬† ¬†After it was over, I couldn’t move from the chair that I was sitting on.¬† My body just felt like it locked up.¬† I didnt mention anything about the feelings I was having.¬† ¬†Forcing myself up, we got ready to leave.¬† On the drive home, those feelings would come and go.¬† ¬†Got home, got ready for bed and lying there, here they come again.¬† ¬†I feel so anxious. That uneasiness washed over me and I just had to cry.¬† I couldn’t even tell you why.¬† I don’t know what it is.¬† It’s something else other than sadness.¬† ¬† ? ? ? ? ?¬†

Sept 29 – Doctor visit – Here with my primary discussing¬† all of my issues. I gained a pound!¬† Can you believe that?¬† ¬†She was shocked to learn all I had been through.¬† She checked me up and down.¬† On the surface, she couldn’t find a single thing wrong with me.¬† She had no idea what was causing me so much pain.¬† She suggested that it could be the barometric pressure.¬† There were lots of suggestions.¬† ¬†So, she ordered a ton of tests.¬† She’s sending me for xrays and blood tests to make sure the chemo didn’t give me an onset of osteoarthiritis or fibromyalga, etc.¬† Also, she wants me to get an ultrasound on my thyroid and to come back in on Nov. 1st for a follow up.¬† She wants me to go to physical therapy, she does NOT like the idea of the percocet on a daily basis.¬† ¬†She also reminds me that I’ve had a rough year and that my body is trying to decondition itself.¬† ¬†Okay, I understand that.¬† ¬†But does it have to cause this kind of pain?¬† ¬†I was going to mention the feelings that I started having but I figured it really wasn’t that important right now and they would go away soon enough.¬† I just want relief from it all and to be able to do things normally again.¬†¬†

¬†I’ve been searching the internet looking for answers on all these after affects.¬† ¬†None of my doctors from my oncology team could explain how I feel, neither could my primary.¬† ¬†I know it’s not all in my head and I REALLY should be feeling better by now.¬† ¬† I’m going on 2 months post chemo.¬† ¬†What the hell???¬† ¬†Since no one can give me any answers up front I’m going to try some natural stuff.¬† I found this online and from the reviews, it seems to work great.¬† ‘Joint care essentials’¬† ¬†I’m gonna give it a whirl and see if it helps me.¬†¬†

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I also started taking turmeric 2x a day.¬† I NEED relief!!!¬† ¬† I’m starting to get impatient with everything.¬† The cloudy, rainy weather that we’ve been having really set into my bones.¬† ¬†The shootings in Las Vegas hit me hard.¬† ¬†It got to me in a different way, as if I knew those people personally.¬† ¬†It added to my already somber/fragile state and I just sunk further into sadness.¬† ¬†I couldn’t watch the news, or read any magazines on the tragedy.¬† ¬†My heart and mind just couldnt handle it.¬† I cried and cried.¬† ¬†

Oct 4 – So much for a sunny day ūüėĘ I feel sad and blue ūüėĒ

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I see both my oncologist and radiation oncologist on Oct. 5 and I start physical therapy on the 6th and do my ultrasound of my thyroid.¬† ¬†I already did my bloodwork and my xray on my knee.¬† ¬†So, we’ll see what happens.¬† ¬†Hopefully, I get some answers and something will help.¬†

¬†My weekly hair growth progress.¬† ¬†Oct. 4 –

 

9 weeks post chemotherapy  

The hair on my legs is growing back with a vengeance¬† ¬†ūüėܬ† I hope my hair grows back that fast.¬†

This is my scar from my lymph node incision.¬† ¬†It doesn’t look bad.¬† ¬†It’s healing very nicely.¬† ¬†I still dont have feeling on the back side of my shoulder/armpit.¬† They said that would be normal and shouldn’t last that long.¬†

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All of my labs came back normal.¬† ¬†That means all of this pain is still a mystery. ¬†ūü§Ē

Oct. 5 – Today I saw both of my doctors, Oncologist and radiation oncologist.¬† Everything looks good so far.¬† ¬†Neither one of them was able to explain to me the pain that I’ve been having.¬† ¬†They said it was very unusual.¬† ¬†I have a hard time understanding that.¬† ¬†How can it be unusual??¬† ¬†Your body is basically massacred for months.¬† ¬†How can a person just heal without any reprecussions from all that poison?¬† ¬†They really didn’t seem to care either.¬† I would get better.¬† ¬†I asked my oncolgist to extend my time off from work.¬† ¬†I’m due to go back on Nov 1 but with all this pain, there is just no way.¬† I need to be able to lift and grab things and right now, I just can’t.¬† He extended my time to Dec. 10.¬† ¬† Hopefully, I’ll be good to go by then.¬†¬†

My radiation oncologist suggested 4 weeks of radiation, daily.¬† ¬†Even though I am basically cancer free, radiation is just another cautionary step.¬† If I have even the tiniest cell left lingering in there,¬† this would obliterate it.¬† ¬†I come in on the 10th to do my mapping, to get exact markings for radiation.¬† ¬†These visits will be quick and painless, maybe 10 minutes each.¬† Then I can truly say, “I am all done, It’s over!!”¬† ¬†

¬†Oct. 6 – today I started physical therapy.¬† ¬†At first I was annoyed at the fact of therapy but now that this pain has gotten to a chronic point, I can’t wait.¬† ¬†She was very nice.¬† ¬†She had me do a bunch of different motions.¬† My knees and my feet/ankles hurt the worst right now.¬† ¬†Also my hands/fingers.¬† ¬†It is still so hard for me to grasp anything, like my steering wheel or door knobs.¬† ¬†I explained to her all of my issues and all the pain.¬† ¬†She finally gave me an answer,¬† something I have been needing since August.¬† The chemo attacked the cartilage, soft tissues and the ligaments between my joints.¬† I have horrible tendonitis throughout my body and it’s going to take several months to get back to where I was pre-diagnosis.¬† ¬†She promised she would get me better.¬† ¬†At this point, Im just trying to get through each day the best that I can.¬† At least now I know where all this pain is coming from.¬† ¬†All of this has gotten me depressed, literally.¬† There are days I feel so down and just cry.¬† Nobody talked about the after effects.¬† So, I wasn’t expecting any of this.¬† ¬†I’ll go every week for physical therapy.¬† She gave me certain exercises to do at home regularly that are targeted to my most severe pain.¬† ¬†I really hope it helps.¬† I can’t see myself living the rest of my life in this kind of pain. It is soooo making me depressed.¬† ¬†I come back next week.¬† ¬† Today, I also went in to do my ultrasound on my thyroid.¬† ¬† Let’s see how those results come in.¬†¬†

This week is balloon fiesta week and as much as I love this time, I’m hating it.¬† ¬†I can’t enjoy it at all.¬† ¬† I love this time of year but this year it has affected me so differently.¬† Fall is one of my favorite seasons.¬† ¬†The weather gets cooler.¬† ¬†It’s not so hot and dreadful.¬† But the changing of the season has me so down and sad, I don’t know why.¬† ¬†I feel it all over.¬† It’s not just in my mind.¬† I feel it in my bones, in my body.¬† ¬†All the rain that we’ve had lately brought me down as well.¬† ¬†It had me so sad.¬† ¬†I never feel that way.¬† ¬† I LOVE LOVE rain ūüĆßūüĆ©ūüíß ¬†Not this time.¬† It made my heart ache ūüėĒ I hate it.¬† I hate the rain.¬† I hate the changing of the season.¬† I hate it all.¬† ¬†What is wrong with me????¬†¬†

Tonight I recieved a message from a good friend/customer that one of her high school friends had passed away.¬† ¬†From guess what?¬† ¬†Cancer, lung cancer.¬† It spread to her brain and to her liver and the treatment that she had been recieving wasn’t doing her any good anymore.¬† ¬†I didn’t know this lady, just knew of her struggles.¬† ¬† We had never met.¬† ¬†But I prayed for her as she did for me.¬† Our mutual friend would tell each of us about the other.¬† I had high hopes for her.¬† ¬†So, naturally it broke my heart.¬† ¬†Actually, it crushed it.¬† ¬†Again, I felt an overwhelming sadness as if I personally knew her.¬† ¬†I cried for her.¬† ¬†I cried my eyeballs out.¬† It felt as if I had lost a close friend.¬† ¬†Here I am crying over someone I had never met, just knew of.¬† ¬†My heart hurts.¬† I am soo sad ūüėĘūüėʬ†

I’ve noticed I don’t handle stress very well anymore.¬† Earlier this week I found a leak behind my Pops’ house.¬† ¬†I thought it was just a puddle from all that rain cuz it’s shaded by the house.¬† My older brother told me it was a leak and there might be a busted pipe.¬† That house and everything that comes with it, is so old, I knew one day that was gonna happen.¬† ¬†It stressed me out to no end and I cried like if it was the end of the world.¬† I feel so broken.¬†

¬†Oct 10 –¬† ¬†The morning weather has gotten chilly.¬† It was 36* this morning when I walked with Dominic to the bus stop.¬† As much as I’ve been wanting cooler weather, I hate the cold.¬†

¬†Today I go in for my mapping to start radiation.¬† ¬†They have to make a mold that I will just lie in eveytime I come in.¬† ¬†That way I just get in it, they line me up, I get radiation and that’s it.¬† ¬†

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Well, this is how my mold (above) turned out annnnnd (below) these are all my markings.¬† ¬†They put tape over them so they don’t have to keep marking me over and over.¬† ¬†I am not allowed to peel them off or wash them off in the shower.¬† And I’m not allowed to swim or soak in the tub.¬† They have to stay on til I’m done.¬†¬†

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I start radiation next week on the 18th, daily until Nov 14.   I. am. almost. there.   A little over a month to go.  My very last hurdle.  

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Everyday my lymph node scar looks better n better.¬† I still don’t have any feeling in that area but at least my arm motion is getting better.¬† ¬†Since I was taking pictures of my markings and scars, I also took this one.¬† This is whats left from when I had shingles.¬† I guess this is how they’re gonna stay looking.¬† It’s been 4 months.¬†

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It doesn’t hurt anymore but it is tender and the skin is very dry.¬† ¬†Sometimes it’s very itchy.¬† ¬†

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Red lips – just because

I got the results back from the xray on my knee.¬† ¬†No arthritis or any other issues.¬† ¬†I’ve been taking those natural supplements faithfully.¬† ¬†Haven’t noticed any difference yet.¬† Thank God for the percocet.¬† ¬†As much as I don’t like taking it.¬† ¬†It is the only way for me to get relief and to be able to do things and function like a normal person.¬† I take them twice a day.¬† ¬†That seems to be good enough.¬† ¬†I try not to take the 2nd one so late in the day because it keeps me wide awake and I already have enough trouble getting some sleep.¬†

 Oct 12 Рmy weekly progress

 

10 weeks post chemotherapy 

 

my hair is getting a little bit of a wave in the back and LOOK at my eyelashes!!¬† ¬†They are finally ALL back and look great!!¬† I’m excited about that!

 

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The saying on my shirt just about sums it up –¬† ‘The struggle¬†is real’

 

Friday the 13th – physical therapy day.¬† We did different motions today.¬† ¬†My fingers feel a little bit better.¬† My knees and the bottoms of my feet still need some work.¬† ¬†I come back again next week.¬† ¬†I really want to do water therapy.¬† ¬†I still believe that is the best kind.¬† But because of all my markings and tape,¬† I won’t be able to. ūüėĒ

¬† Today is the luncheon for my years of service with my company.¬† 25 years! Wow!¬† Dominic is going to be my date.¬† ¬†Lately, I’ve been forcing myself to do things and coming to the luncheon was one of them.¬† ¬†I want to do things, but more and more it feels like a struggle.¬† I want to be around people but at the same time, I want to be alone.¬† ¬†Maybe seeing all of my work family will be good for me.¬†

¬†I had a hard time enjoying myself and of course I put on that poker face for everyone to see the ‘happy me’.¬† I’m not really happy, at all.¬† I’ve been sad and down for a while now.¬† ¬†I caught up with an old work friend.¬† We talked for a while.¬† ¬†He asked how I was doing.¬† A part of me was trying to tell him how I was really feeling but he just couldn’t get what I was trying to say.¬† Everyone says I’ve had a hard year and what I’m feeling is normal.¬† But it’s way more than just having a hard year.¬† I don’t feel right.¬† They just don’t understand.¬†

When we got home, I went to my room and cried.¬† ¬†I cried because of this overwhelming sadness I just can’t seem to shake.¬† ¬†I started getting those feelings of dread more and more.¬† They quickly come on without warning.¬† It brings horrible thoughts to my mind.¬† ¬†I started to wonder if I wasn’t really going through some sort of depression.¬† I mentioned this to one of my Aunties, my dreadful feelings and she explained it the best way that I couldn’t.¬† ¬†Feelings of impending doom.¬† ¬†YES!!¬† ¬†That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling.¬† ¬†She hit the nail right on the head.¬† Yes, thats what I’m feeling.¬† ¬†Straight up DREAD, doom.¬† ¬†I have cried every single day.¬† ¬†Some days more than others and I can’t tell you why I’m even crying.¬† I hope that whatever this is, is only temporary.¬† ¬†I don’t like feeling this way.¬†

¬†Oct 14 – ugh, today I feel super nauseous ūü§Ę ūü§ģ¬† but that’s my fault.¬† I took a pain reliever on an empty stomach.¬† ¬†I know better than that.¬† I don’t feel so great.¬†

 My anxiety has me cleaning like a mad woman.     

I’ve had this ache in my heart, this void, ever since losing Riley.¬† I’ve been entertaining the thought of getting another kitten.¬† Not to replace Riley but to fill this void that I have.¬†¬†

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The weekend was hard for me ūüėĒ Everyday gets worse and worse.¬† I have never had death on my mind as much as I do now.¬† ¬†That dread is starting to eat away at me.¬† Add anxiety to all of that and you have a horrible mix.¬† ¬†

Oct. 16 – I inquired about a kitten that needed a new home.¬† They couldn’t keep her anymore for whatever reason.¬† So, I made plans to go see her, to see if she liked me.¬† ¬†I immediately fell in love the moment I set eyes on her.¬† ¬†I brought her home.¬† I think it was meant to be.¬† ¬†She blended right in.¬† I named her Zoe, she is an 8 week old tortoiseshell.¬† She’s adorable.¬† Already, my spirits were lifted.¬†

 

I think she is just what I need for my heart and soul.¬† ¬†I think she will bring me out of this funk and be good for me.¬† I already love her to pieces.¬† ¬†‘Don’t be mad Riley.¬† ¬† ¬†I will always love you.¬† ¬†Forever my furbaby’¬†

Oct 17 –¬† ¬†Zoe settled into our home as if it had been her home since birth.¬† ¬†She lifted my mood so much, I figured things were going to be okay.¬† I hadn’t cried since I got her.¬† Yes, things will be okay.¬† I got this.¬† ¬†Tomorrow I start radiation.¬† ¬†I just have 4 weeks left of treatment and I’ll be home free.¬† It’ll all be over.¬† I was starting to feel happy.¬† ¬†Then sadness hit me once again.¬† ¬†I learned that a fellow worker, someone I had never met, but knew of,¬† had passed.¬† He was very young.¬† ¬†He took his own life.¬† He had children and what seemed to be a happy life.¬† My heart and mind couldn’t handle this news.¬† ¬†It hurt me so much and I didn’t even know him.¬† I was sad for the life he won’t get to live.¬† I was sad for his children.¬† Oh how this hurts me.¬† Why does it hurt me so much?¬† People that I’m not even connected to, I cry for.¬† I sunk into an awful place.¬† ¬†A place I had never been.¬† A place that I had started sinking into weeks ago.¬†

¬†Oct 18 – 1st round of radiation.¬† It was a breeze.¬† ¬† I was in and out in about 15 minutes.¬† It was so quick but very high amounts of radiation.¬† ¬†When I left, it didn’t even seem like anything was done.¬† It didn’t hurt at all and it was nothing like chemo.¬† Let’s see how I feel later.¬† ¬†As much as I tried, sadness still lurked around me.¬† I couldn’t get over the tragic news from yesterday.¬† ¬†I still had that on my mind when another close/coworker friend told me that her father had passed.¬† Oh my goodness!!¬† ¬† I REALLY can’t handle this.¬† All of this hurts me sooo much.¬† ¬†ūüė≠ūüėĘūüė≠ūüėʬ† ¬†I’m crying my heart out AGAIN

Oct 19 –¬† 2nd round of radiation over and done with.¬† ¬†Today it was much quicker.¬† ¬†And here is my weekly progress.¬†¬†

 

11 weeks post chemotherapy

 

I didnt realize just how fragile my mental state was.¬† I’ve always been the perky, happy person.¬† ¬†My mental state was just shattered and everyday I spiraled a little more into that dark abyss.¬† I hadn’t paid attention until I noticed, I don’t go outside anymore.¬† ¬†I come home after walking with Dominic and crawl back into bed.¬† I spend my whole day there and when he comes home, I force myself out of bed as if everything is okay.¬† ¬†I don’t sit on my swing, I don’t hear the birds sing or feel the sun shine.¬† I don’t listen to music.¬† I don’t feel the breeze.¬† ¬†A lot of the times, I sit in my bathroom and cry.¬† ¬†That’s my crying spot.¬† My heart feels heavy and empty and the sadness echoes.¬† ¬†For the past few weeks, I’ve been asking myself if maybe I’m depressed but that little voice inside tells me,¬† “nah, you’re too strong for that shit!”¬† ¬†That other voice says, “yes you are Sue, you ARE depressed.”¬† ¬†I don’t enjoy anything anymore and I just waste my days away.¬† ¬†There are so many things that I could be doing, but I do nothing.¬† ¬†The thoughts that have invaded my mind are scary.¬† ¬†Death has been on my mind a lot.¬† Yes, you heard me.¬† ¬†The always happy person has thoughts of death.¬† Something that I never used to think about.¬† ¬†My mind is in turmoil.¬† ¬†I can’t control the thoughts that I’ve been having.¬† The dread is overwhelming.¬† I try and talk myself down, like give myself therapy.¬† ¬†For a moment it works, then, there they are again.¬† ¬†During the week I can’t wait for Dominic to get home from school.¬† Usually when he’s here, everything seems okay.¬† When he’s at school, I fall apart.¬† Anxiety hits me sooo bad.¬† ¬†I don’t wanna be alone but at the same time, I don’t wanna be with anyone.¬† ¬†I can’t have a conversation over a text if someone is asking how I’m doing, without crying.¬† I just come undone.¬† I put on a happy face cuz I don’t want my son to worry.¬† ¬†On the outside, you could never tell, but on the inside, I’m screaming at the top of my lungs.¬† Why can’t anyone hear that??¬† Why can’t anyone see that I’m falling apart?¬† ¬†I’m almost positive I have some form of depression.¬† I just can’t shake these feelings.¬† I think Im finally dealing with everything that I’ve been through the past 8 months. It is all hitting me now.¬† ¬†My physical pain hasn’t gotten any better but I get up every day and push through it.¬† This sadness and feeling blue is horrible.¬† I think I need a happy pill just to get me over the hump.¬† I can’t wait to see my doctor.¬† I’m seriously thinking of asking for something mild.¬† I’m just not happy and that’s not me at all.¬† ¬†This mental pain is the worst.¬†

I had my 3rd visit with my physical therapist.¬† ¬†Some of my joints feel a tad bit better.¬† I don’t hurt so much from my knees anymore.¬† But I have the pain everywhere else.¬† Emotionally, I feel a little more broken everyday.¬† I think I’m just overwhelmed and tired of it all.¬† ¬†I don’t feel like that strong person anymore.¬† I need a break.¬† I need a break from life.¬† I need a serious meltdown.¬† ¬†After I was done with physical therapy, she mentioned that she would like to put me in a program to help get my physical ability and strength back.¬† ¬†It’s a program designated for cancer patients.¬† It’s called ‘Strive’.¬† ¬†It’s a 6 week program that she thinks will be good for me.¬† She is insistant about it, but my heart sinks at this suggestion.¬† ¬†I don’t want to do this, not now.¬† I’ve had appointments shoved up my ass since February.¬† I still have radiation everyday.¬† ¬†I don’t want more appointments.¬† I just wanna be done.¬† ¬†I know she’s trying to help me, I just don’t wanna do this.¬† I walked out of there in tears and cried all the way to my radiation appt.¬† ¬†I can’t do this anymore.¬†

Things are getting so much worse.¬† Today, I feel like slitting my wrists’.¬† ¬†That thought has crossed my mind soooo many times.¬† ¬†It’s a good thing that I don’t own a gun, I would have already shot myself.¬† ¬† My heart wants to do so many things but my mind doesn’t let me.¬† ¬†I’m trapped in my mind, lost.¬† It’s a Prison.¬† What a horrible place to be.¬† ¬†It’s so dark, lonely and scary.¬† ¬†I have no doubt, I’ve hit rock bottom, face first.¬† The dreadful thoughts in my mind don’t go away and I can’t control them.¬† I don’t know how to pick myself back up.¬† I don’t know how to get better.¬† ¬†I don’t think that I would ever hurt myself but my mind has definitely turned into an evil place.¬† ¬†I feel stuck there.¬† ¬†I wanna be taken out of my misery but then I think of Dominic and how much it would hurt him if I wasn’t here.¬† ¬† I sit in my bathroom in tears, asking God, no – begging him to help me.¬† ¬†To help me get through the day, to keep me from doing something stupid.¬† “Please help me!!”¬† I don’t know what’s happening.¬†

I reached out to a friend.¬† ¬†I called.¬† ¬†We text all the time but we don’t ever talk on the phone.¬† ¬†I needed to talk.¬† ¬†So, I called.¬† ¬†Thinking that she would be there for me, like she has always said,¬† she blew me off.¬† ¬†I didn’t even get the chance to tell her why I was calling.¬† She had to go, she couldn’t talk right now.¬† ¬†I was beside myself, going out of my mind.¬† I needed her help and she wasn’t there.¬† This added to my already broken mind.¬†

¬†Today was so very hard, mentally.¬† ¬† My mind was playing so many tricks on me, it scared me.¬† It scared me to a point that I needed someone to come stay with me, even though Dominic was here.¬† ¬†It’s Sunday, so I tried to occupy myself with football.¬† There’s football all day and our team is playing.¬† ¬†My mind wouldn’t let me enjoy it.¬† My mind had me crawling out of my own skin.¬† I had anxiety soo bad that my body was shaking with an uncontrolled nervousness.¬† ¬†Mix that with what I think is depression and you have one bad equation.¬† The bad thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone.¬† ¬†My mind started telling me that what I had (life) wasn’t real.¬† My home wasn’t real, my job, having a son.¬† It was all make believe.¬† I was making it all up and living a life of make believe.¬† ¬†My family photos on my picture wall wasn’t real, I’m making that up.¬† My mind said that everything around me wasn’t real.¬† It scared me so bad that I didn’t wanna be alone.¬† I wanted Dominic to be right there by my side but I also didn’t want him to see how much I was struggling.¬† I want this to end.¬† ¬†Once again, it’s a good thing I don’t own a gun.¬† ¬†The despair was off the freakin’ charts.

I started telling some of my friends that I was feeling very down, maybe depressed.¬† ¬†Everyone says that I’ll be fine, I’ve had it rough.¬† ¬†Why is it that no one believes you when you’re trying to tell them maybe you’re depressed, literally?¬† Why do they think it’s just a word to throw around?¬† That you’re too strong of a person to be feeling this way?¬†

Thoughts of slitting my wrists’ invade my mind 10fold.¬†

¬†I started to get a burn on my skin from the radiation and it feels tingly.¬† ¬†It looks like a sunburn.¬† ¬†I’ve already done a week of radiation.¬† 3 more weeks to go.

“God, please help me.¬† Can you hear me?¬† I need your help!!”¬†¬†I am silently screaming at the top of my lungs.¬† ¬† Why can’t anyone hear me?¬†

Oct 26 – Today I forced myself to get out of the house.¬† I made plans to do my hair.¬† My first haircut and I’m putting a wash out color in it.¬† Something gentle, cuz I have baby fine hair.¬† ¬†I don’t like all this gray.¬†

 

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My 1st haircut and color post chemotherapy

My hairstylist, Nicole, whom I’ve had for years, suggested to rub rogaine ( for women) in my hair.¬† ¬†It stimulates the hair folicles to encourage them to grow.¬† I have also been taking biotin.¬† ¬†That too helps.¬† I loved the way it came out.¬† I’ve missed having reddish brown hair.¬†

12 weeks post chemotherapy

 

You can tell in these pictures that I’ve been crying.¬† My eyes are all red and I look so sad.¬† That’s because I am.¬† I’m not happy at all.¬† Even though I got my 1st haircut and put a bit of color in it.¬† I’m still as depressed as ever.¬† ¬†I cried on the way home and cried when I got home.¬† ¬†Today is gonna be a long day.¬† ¬†Dominic goes to his after school program, so I’ll be alone til almost 5.¬† ¬†It’s one of those days where I feel like crawling out of my skin cuz the anxiety is on overload and again I feel like slitting my wrists’.¬† ¬† That thought crosses my mind soo much, it scares me.¬† ¬†It’s on my mind, ALWAYS.¬† I was going out of my mind and thoughts of death wouldn’t leave me,¬† I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to reach out before I really did cut myself.¬† I needed to talk and needed someone to listen.¬† I NEEDED someone to be there!!¬† ¬†I sent out a text to my friend who I had tried calling just the other day but couldn’t talk.¬† “I feel like humpty dumpty,¬† I feel soooo broken”.¬† While I was waiting for her to respond, I reached out to a couple other friends.¬† ¬†I needed SOMEONE!

¬† ¬†“I’m having a hard time mentally, my mind turned to mush, please tell me it’s gonna get better”.¬† ¬†“I feel like humpty dumpty,¬† I feel soooo broken”¬† ¬†Out of all the friends I reached out to, all but one responded.¬† ¬†And the one that didn’t respond was the one I needed to talk to.¬† I needed her.¬† ¬†I needed her to be there for me.¬† She had always been so comforting.¬† I never heard from her.¬† So, I gave up reaching out to her. What if I would’ve slit my wrists that day?¬† What if I would’ve taken my life?¬† I needed her and she wasn’t there, again.¬† ¬†Another part of me broke and sunk in further.¬† It almost threw me over the edge.¬† But thank goodness for the others.¬† Thank goodness for Christine and Tammy and Becky and Diana and Celina.¬† ¬†Thank you for listening, for you kept me from doing the unthinkable.¬† ¬†Tammy had warned me of this way back in the beginning.¬† ¬†Did I listen?¬† Nope.¬† ¬†She kept telling me to take care of my mental health and I thought I was too strong of a person for that.¬† ¬†Now look at me.¬† I have dreadful thoughts and barely come out of my house.¬† It hit me, like she said it would and it hit me hard.¬† ¬†I have never felt this low in my life, EVER.¬† ¬†I never knew depression hurt this bad.¬† ¬†I would much rather deal with physical pain any day than to suffer mentally and be lost and trapped in my mind.¬† ¬†It’s the hardest thing and I thought chemo was hard.¬† ¬† They each gave me words of encouragement.¬† ¬† Diana sent me this –¬†

pep talk

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Oct 28 РBreast cancer walk. 

¬†My heart has been looking forward to this day, my mind isn’t.¬† Today I really had to force myself.¬† ¬† I made it through the past few days.¬† ¬†Today is important for me.¬† In the past I have always done these walks, to bring awareness.¬† ¬†Today, I’m walking for myself.¬† I am also walking for my fellow fighters and survivors and the ones who couldn’t make it.¬† ¬†Thank you to my crusaders for walking with me today and being with me along this journey.¬† ¬†It is almost over.¬† ¬†Today I walk as a survivor!!¬† I wore the ‘HOPE’ necklace that was given to me on my 1st day of chemo from another survivor.¬†¬†

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Despite all of my physical pain, especially in my knees and feet, I completed the whole walk.¬† Towards the end I amost couldn’t continue, but I made it.¬† What an amazing event.¬† ¬†So many people participate, it’s awesome.¬† ¬†In some pics, I look happy.¬† ¬†Guess what?¬† I’m not.

Today is also my son’s birthday.¬† He turns 14.¬† This morning was for me, the rest of the day is for him.¬† ¬†We all got together and went out to eat.¬† It was a good day but I’m still so sad on the inside.

Oct. 29 –¬† Today I really paid for it.¬† The walk from yesterday had my WHOLE body aching.¬† It was so hard for me to just walk.¬† ¬†All I did was lay around the house.¬†

¬†Oct 30 – Today has been the best that I have felt since finishing chemo.¬† That was 3 months ago already.¬† ¬†I almost feel normal.¬† I hope that it continues and wasn’t just a one time deal.¬†

¬†I see my doctor on the 1st.¬† ¬†I can’t flippin’ wait.¬† I’m gonna spill out everything and see what she tells me.¬† ¬†I KNOW something is wrong with me.¬† I just don’t feel right mentally.¬† ¬†One day¬† of feeling good doesn’t make up for all the days I’ve felt crummy.

 10 more radiation left!!!!  

I’m having another rough day.¬† ¬†Everything is just wearing on me.¬† I have so much to be happy about yet I feel so down.¬† I¬† can’t seem to enjoy anything.¬† ¬†I’m just having a hard time.¬† ¬†I don’t have the urge or the motivation to do anything.¬† ¬†Still, I waste my days away in bed.¬† ¬†Thinking about everything that needs to be done but feeling like a prisoner in my own body.¬† ¬†I’m so stuck in a horrible place.¬† ¬†I don’t know how I managed to get here.¬† ¬† I stopped taking the percocet for my pain.¬† ¬†I’ve been researching the symptoms and read that one of the side effects was depression.¬† So for that reason, I stopped.¬† I’ve been in a hella pain but something is causing me to sprial downward and fast, I don’t know what it is.¬† So, I’m forcing myself to get through each day without pain meds.¬† ¬†It’s a battle.¬† ¬†ALL of this is a battle.¬† ¬†

¬†Radiation has been a piece of cake.¬† I have a huge skin burn, so I started rubbing some ointment on the whole area.¬† ¬†It’s getting sensitive.¬† Nov 14th and I’ll be done.¬† ¬†You’re almost there Sue!!¬†

¬†Nov 1 –¬† Today I finally see my primary doctor.¬† I thought this appointment would never get here.¬† ¬†I hope she can point me in the right direction or give me something that’ll help me feel better.¬† ¬†I told her EVERYTHING!!¬† ¬†I told her I was feeling this way the last time that I saw her but I thought it was something that would go away.¬† ¬†I let it go on too long.¬† I bawled in her office talking about how low I’ve been feeling.¬† She was sooo understanding and comforting.¬† ¬†She sat and talked with me.¬† I told her how much things or events hurt me.¬† Tragedies of people that I’m not even connected to, just unravel my soul.¬† ¬†I’m in such a dark place and the past 6 weeks have been brutal on my mental health.¬† I told her about all the dread and the many thoughts of death.¬† Wanting to slit my wrists’ most days.¬† ¬†I knew something was way wrong.¬† I AM suffering.¬† She diagnosed me with post traumatic stress and depression.¬† ¬†She was going to set me up with a therapist but I didn’t want to wait the month that it was going to take to get me in.¬† ¬†I was so bad that I wasn’t gonna last if I had to wait that long.¬† So, instead I asked her to put me on a medication and she did.¬† ¬†She prescribed me Sertraline 50 mg.¬† ¬†I need to take it everyday.¬† ¬† She’s gotten good, positive feedback on this medication and she believes it will really help me.¬† ¬†Other than the chemo attacking my body, the depression is also a culprit for my physical pain.¬† ¬†I never thought depression could make your body hurt so bad.¬† ¬†She said she was gonna work on getting me back to ‘me’.¬† ¬†I sure hope she does.¬† She said it was gonna take about 2 weeks for the medication to build up in my system and feel like it’s working.¬† ¬†So, there is a good chance that I’ll feel worse before it gets better.¬† That thought alone scares me.¬†

¬†I filled that prescription as soon as I got it and popped one in my mouth as soon as I got home.¬† I can’t continue feeling this way.¬† It’ll cause me to end my life.¬† Seriously.¬† The voices in my mind are pure evil.¬† Demons.¬† ¬†The mental agony is beyond my control.¬† ¬†The depths of this black hole are frightening and the pain ricochets and echos with an unforgiving lonliness in my soul.¬† ¬†Mental pain is BY FAR my most worst experience.¬† I hope I make it through.¬† I am hanging on by a thread and I feel like it’s about to break.¬† ¬†Lord help me to hang on.¬†¬†

 

 

¬†“Lord, please help me.¬† Please save me.¬† I am soo lost.¬† Please get me through this”¬†ūüė≠

 

Do-not-judge-Season-of-Sadness

 

DEPRESSION HURTS soooo BAD ūüėĘūüėĒūüė≠