Tag Archive | Hope

Hitting rock Bottom

I couldn’t get over the loss of our beloved furbaby, Riley.   It hit me so hard, it broke me in a way that I couldn’t pick myself back up.  I cried for days on end.   It didn’t help that the day she went to kittie heaven was the anniversary that I lost my Mom.   And of course, the circumstances surrounding the passing of Riley.  Let’s just say, I don’t know how to forgive my dogs, especially Honey.   I’m so sad and heartbroke.  I can’t look at her without crying my heart out.  She totally broke my heart.  Dealing with that on top of everything else and the anniversary of my Mama was just too much for me. 

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 I didn’t see it coming, but this was the beginning of my downward spiral.   It was an avalanche of pure pain and despair and I didn’t know if I was gonna pull through.  Something in me snapped, mentally, and it sent me spiraling into a dark, ugly world. 

 

Sept 25 –   My aches and pains haven’t subsided at all.   Everyday it get worse and worse.   I have an appointment with my primary doctor at the end of the month to discuss all this pain and I can’t wait.  I have the pain meds that my oncologist gave me but I just don’t want to take such a heavy medication all the time, even though it does help with the pain.  It doesn’t help me to sleep.   It seems like I’m taking pure caffiene.  It keeps me wide awake.  Getting out of bed has become very hard.  My joints  and my bones hurt sooo bad.   Sitting in one spot for even just a little while has become dreadful.  Everything hurts.  My feet, the bottoms of my feet, my heels, my knees, my back.   I. . just. . hurt. . everywhere.  It’s still hurts very much for me to grasp the steering wheel.  I’ve never had this kind of physical pain before.   Not even through the chemo.  So, why is this hitting me now??  I finished chemo 7 weeks ago.  What is going on??  I hope my primary has some answers for me.   

Sept. 28 – It rained for 6 hours straight last night.  And as much as I love the rain and cloudy days, it really brought me down.  This kind of weather never makes me feel this way but this time it was horrible.  It made me soo sad. I couldn’t wait for the rain to go away.   I’ve tried my best to have good days but I just miss my furbaby so much and all this pain doesn’t help either.   I’ve cried everyday but in public I put on a happy face.  I’ve been getting these weird feelings at night when I’m trying to get some sleep.   Something washes over me.   I don’t know if its bits of anxiety or what.   But I don’t like how it feels and I’ve noticed it’s happening at night. 

 Tonight Dominic and I are having a dinner date with Clara Sue and her husband.   We are gonna cook at her house and make chicken fried steak..  mmmm.    Even though I love her company and can’t wait to hang out, there is a part of me that doesn’t wanna go.   Maybe I can get out of this funk.   This pain just makes it hard to enjoy anything. 

On a better note,  I took these pictures before we left.   This is the progress so far. 

 

8 weeks post chemotherapy

 

 Dinner was great and so was the company.  We decided to watch a movie.   The newest Transformers.   They had never seen it and we just bought it, so, it’s a movie night.   Getting comfortable was nearly impossible.  My joints are starting to lock up on me and the idea of sitting through a 2+ hour movie brought me down.   I hid the misery of my pain but tried to enjoy it the best that I could.   Those feelings that I mentioned earlier bubbled up to the surface during a cliff scene in the movie.   I don’t know why but during this scene, feelings of dread just washed over me.  It actually gave me anxiety.   It felt like I was dangling from that cliff about to fall.  It was a horrible feeling that I couldnt get rid of.   I never feel like this during movies, EVER.   These are the same feelings that I’ve been feeling at night.  For some reason this particular scene triggered those feelings.  It actually made me feel scared.   I don’t understand.  Why would I feel this way??  Over a movie?   Especially when you have your good friends and your son sitting next to you.   After it was over, I couldn’t move from the chair that I was sitting on.  My body just felt like it locked up.  I didnt mention anything about the feelings I was having.   Forcing myself up, we got ready to leave.  On the drive home, those feelings would come and go.   Got home, got ready for bed and lying there, here they come again.   I feel so anxious. That uneasiness washed over me and I just had to cry.  I couldn’t even tell you why.  I don’t know what it is.  It’s something else other than sadness.    ? ? ? ? ? 

Sept 29 – Doctor visit – Here with my primary discussing  all of my issues. I gained a pound!  Can you believe that?   She was shocked to learn all I had been through.  She checked me up and down.  On the surface, she couldn’t find a single thing wrong with me.  She had no idea what was causing me so much pain.  She suggested that it could be the barometric pressure.  There were lots of suggestions.   So, she ordered a ton of tests.  She’s sending me for xrays and blood tests to make sure the chemo didn’t give me an onset of osteoarthiritis or fibromyalga, etc.  Also, she wants me to get an ultrasound on my thyroid and to come back in on Nov. 1st for a follow up.  She wants me to go to physical therapy, she does NOT like the idea of the percocet on a daily basis.   She also reminds me that I’ve had a rough year and that my body is trying to decondition itself.   Okay, I understand that.   But does it have to cause this kind of pain?   I was going to mention the feelings that I started having but I figured it really wasn’t that important right now and they would go away soon enough.  I just want relief from it all and to be able to do things normally again.  

 I’ve been searching the internet looking for answers on all these after affects.   None of my doctors from my oncology team could explain how I feel, neither could my primary.   I know it’s not all in my head and I REALLY should be feeling better by now.    I’m going on 2 months post chemo.   What the hell???   Since no one can give me any answers up front I’m going to try some natural stuff.  I found this online and from the reviews, it seems to work great.  ‘Joint care essentials’   I’m gonna give it a whirl and see if it helps me.  

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I also started taking turmeric 2x a day.  I NEED relief!!!    I’m starting to get impatient with everything.  The cloudy, rainy weather that we’ve been having really set into my bones.   The shootings in Las Vegas hit me hard.   It got to me in a different way, as if I knew those people personally.   It added to my already somber/fragile state and I just sunk further into sadness.   I couldn’t watch the news, or read any magazines on the tragedy.   My heart and mind just couldnt handle it.  I cried and cried.   

Oct 4 – So much for a sunny day 😢 I feel sad and blue 😔

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I see both my oncologist and radiation oncologist on Oct. 5 and I start physical therapy on the 6th and do my ultrasound of my thyroid.   I already did my bloodwork and my xray on my knee.   So, we’ll see what happens.   Hopefully, I get some answers and something will help. 

 My weekly hair growth progress.   Oct. 4 –

 

9 weeks post chemotherapy  

The hair on my legs is growing back with a vengeance   😆  I hope my hair grows back that fast. 

This is my scar from my lymph node incision.   It doesn’t look bad.   It’s healing very nicely.   I still dont have feeling on the back side of my shoulder/armpit.  They said that would be normal and shouldn’t last that long. 

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All of my labs came back normal.   That means all of this pain is still a mystery.  🤔

Oct. 5 – Today I saw both of my doctors, Oncologist and radiation oncologist.  Everything looks good so far.   Neither one of them was able to explain to me the pain that I’ve been having.   They said it was very unusual.   I have a hard time understanding that.   How can it be unusual??   Your body is basically massacred for months.   How can a person just heal without any reprecussions from all that poison?   They really didn’t seem to care either.  I would get better.   I asked my oncolgist to extend my time off from work.   I’m due to go back on Nov 1 but with all this pain, there is just no way.  I need to be able to lift and grab things and right now, I just can’t.  He extended my time to Dec. 10.    Hopefully, I’ll be good to go by then.  

My radiation oncologist suggested 4 weeks of radiation, daily.   Even though I am basically cancer free, radiation is just another cautionary step.  If I have even the tiniest cell left lingering in there,  this would obliterate it.   I come in on the 10th to do my mapping, to get exact markings for radiation.   These visits will be quick and painless, maybe 10 minutes each.  Then I can truly say, “I am all done, It’s over!!”   

 Oct. 6 – today I started physical therapy.   At first I was annoyed at the fact of therapy but now that this pain has gotten to a chronic point, I can’t wait.   She was very nice.   She had me do a bunch of different motions.  My knees and my feet/ankles hurt the worst right now.   Also my hands/fingers.   It is still so hard for me to grasp anything, like my steering wheel or door knobs.   I explained to her all of my issues and all the pain.   She finally gave me an answer,  something I have been needing since August.  The chemo attacked the cartilage, soft tissues and the ligaments between my joints.  I have horrible tendonitis throughout my body and it’s going to take several months to get back to where I was pre-diagnosis.   She promised she would get me better.   At this point, Im just trying to get through each day the best that I can.  At least now I know where all this pain is coming from.   All of this has gotten me depressed, literally.  There are days I feel so down and just cry.  Nobody talked about the after effects.  So, I wasn’t expecting any of this.   I’ll go every week for physical therapy.  She gave me certain exercises to do at home regularly that are targeted to my most severe pain.   I really hope it helps.  I can’t see myself living the rest of my life in this kind of pain. It is soooo making me depressed.   I come back next week.    Today, I also went in to do my ultrasound on my thyroid.    Let’s see how those results come in.  

This week is balloon fiesta week and as much as I love this time, I’m hating it.   I can’t enjoy it at all.    I love this time of year but this year it has affected me so differently.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons.   The weather gets cooler.   It’s not so hot and dreadful.  But the changing of the season has me so down and sad, I don’t know why.   I feel it all over.  It’s not just in my mind.  I feel it in my bones, in my body.   All the rain that we’ve had lately brought me down as well.   It had me so sad.   I never feel that way.    I LOVE LOVE rain 🌧🌩💧  Not this time.  It made my heart ache 😔 I hate it.  I hate the rain.  I hate the changing of the season.  I hate it all.   What is wrong with me????  

Tonight I recieved a message from a good friend/customer that one of her high school friends had passed away.   From guess what?   Cancer, lung cancer.  It spread to her brain and to her liver and the treatment that she had been recieving wasn’t doing her any good anymore.   I didn’t know this lady, just knew of her struggles.    We had never met.   But I prayed for her as she did for me.  Our mutual friend would tell each of us about the other.  I had high hopes for her.   So, naturally it broke my heart.   Actually, it crushed it.   Again, I felt an overwhelming sadness as if I personally knew her.   I cried for her.   I cried my eyeballs out.  It felt as if I had lost a close friend.   Here I am crying over someone I had never met, just knew of.   My heart hurts.  I am soo sad 😢😢 

I’ve noticed I don’t handle stress very well anymore.  Earlier this week I found a leak behind my Pops’ house.   I thought it was just a puddle from all that rain cuz it’s shaded by the house.  My older brother told me it was a leak and there might be a busted pipe.  That house and everything that comes with it, is so old, I knew one day that was gonna happen.   It stressed me out to no end and I cried like if it was the end of the world.  I feel so broken. 

 Oct 10 –   The morning weather has gotten chilly.  It was 36* this morning when I walked with Dominic to the bus stop.  As much as I’ve been wanting cooler weather, I hate the cold. 

 Today I go in for my mapping to start radiation.   They have to make a mold that I will just lie in eveytime I come in.   That way I just get in it, they line me up, I get radiation and that’s it.   

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Well, this is how my mold (above) turned out annnnnd (below) these are all my markings.   They put tape over them so they don’t have to keep marking me over and over.   I am not allowed to peel them off or wash them off in the shower.  And I’m not allowed to swim or soak in the tub.  They have to stay on til I’m done.  

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I start radiation next week on the 18th, daily until Nov 14.   I. am. almost. there.   A little over a month to go.  My very last hurdle.  

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Everyday my lymph node scar looks better n better.  I still don’t have any feeling in that area but at least my arm motion is getting better.   Since I was taking pictures of my markings and scars, I also took this one.  This is whats left from when I had shingles.  I guess this is how they’re gonna stay looking.  It’s been 4 months. 

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It doesn’t hurt anymore but it is tender and the skin is very dry.   Sometimes it’s very itchy.   

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Red lips – just because

I got the results back from the xray on my knee.   No arthritis or any other issues.   I’ve been taking those natural supplements faithfully.   Haven’t noticed any difference yet.  Thank God for the percocet.   As much as I don’t like taking it.   It is the only way for me to get relief and to be able to do things and function like a normal person.  I take them twice a day.   That seems to be good enough.   I try not to take the 2nd one so late in the day because it keeps me wide awake and I already have enough trouble getting some sleep. 

 Oct 12 – my weekly progress

 

10 weeks post chemotherapy 

 

my hair is getting a little bit of a wave in the back and LOOK at my eyelashes!!   They are finally ALL back and look great!!  I’m excited about that!

 

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The saying on my shirt just about sums it up –  ‘The struggle is real’

 

Friday the 13th – physical therapy day.  We did different motions today.   My fingers feel a little bit better.  My knees and the bottoms of my feet still need some work.   I come back again next week.   I really want to do water therapy.   I still believe that is the best kind.  But because of all my markings and tape,  I won’t be able to. 😔

  Today is the luncheon for my years of service with my company.  25 years! Wow!  Dominic is going to be my date.   Lately, I’ve been forcing myself to do things and coming to the luncheon was one of them.   I want to do things, but more and more it feels like a struggle.  I want to be around people but at the same time, I want to be alone.   Maybe seeing all of my work family will be good for me. 

 I had a hard time enjoying myself and of course I put on that poker face for everyone to see the ‘happy me’.  I’m not really happy, at all.  I’ve been sad and down for a while now.   I caught up with an old work friend.  We talked for a while.   He asked how I was doing.  A part of me was trying to tell him how I was really feeling but he just couldn’t get what I was trying to say.  Everyone says I’ve had a hard year and what I’m feeling is normal.  But it’s way more than just having a hard year.  I don’t feel right.  They just don’t understand. 

When we got home, I went to my room and cried.   I cried because of this overwhelming sadness I just can’t seem to shake.   I started getting those feelings of dread more and more.  They quickly come on without warning.  It brings horrible thoughts to my mind.   I started to wonder if I wasn’t really going through some sort of depression.  I mentioned this to one of my Aunties, my dreadful feelings and she explained it the best way that I couldn’t.   Feelings of impending doom.   YES!!   That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling.   She hit the nail right on the head.  Yes, thats what I’m feeling.   Straight up DREAD, doom.   I have cried every single day.   Some days more than others and I can’t tell you why I’m even crying.  I hope that whatever this is, is only temporary.   I don’t like feeling this way. 

 Oct 14 – ugh, today I feel super nauseous 🤢 🤮  but that’s my fault.  I took a pain reliever on an empty stomach.   I know better than that.  I don’t feel so great. 

 My anxiety has me cleaning like a mad woman.     

I’ve had this ache in my heart, this void, ever since losing Riley.  I’ve been entertaining the thought of getting another kitten.  Not to replace Riley but to fill this void that I have.  

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The weekend was hard for me 😔 Everyday gets worse and worse.  I have never had death on my mind as much as I do now.   That dread is starting to eat away at me.  Add anxiety to all of that and you have a horrible mix.   

Oct. 16 – I inquired about a kitten that needed a new home.  They couldn’t keep her anymore for whatever reason.  So, I made plans to go see her, to see if she liked me.   I immediately fell in love the moment I set eyes on her.   I brought her home.  I think it was meant to be.   She blended right in.  I named her Zoe, she is an 8 week old tortoiseshell.  She’s adorable.  Already, my spirits were lifted. 

 

I think she is just what I need for my heart and soul.   I think she will bring me out of this funk and be good for me.  I already love her to pieces.   ‘Don’t be mad Riley.     I will always love you.   Forever my furbaby’ 

Oct 17 –   Zoe settled into our home as if it had been her home since birth.   She lifted my mood so much, I figured things were going to be okay.  I hadn’t cried since I got her.  Yes, things will be okay.  I got this.   Tomorrow I start radiation.   I just have 4 weeks left of treatment and I’ll be home free.  It’ll all be over.  I was starting to feel happy.   Then sadness hit me once again.   I learned that a fellow worker, someone I had never met, but knew of,  had passed.  He was very young.   He took his own life.  He had children and what seemed to be a happy life.  My heart and mind couldn’t handle this news.   It hurt me so much and I didn’t even know him.  I was sad for the life he won’t get to live.  I was sad for his children.  Oh how this hurts me.  Why does it hurt me so much?  People that I’m not even connected to, I cry for.  I sunk into an awful place.   A place I had never been.  A place that I had started sinking into weeks ago. 

 Oct 18 – 1st round of radiation.  It was a breeze.    I was in and out in about 15 minutes.  It was so quick but very high amounts of radiation.   When I left, it didn’t even seem like anything was done.  It didn’t hurt at all and it was nothing like chemo.  Let’s see how I feel later.   As much as I tried, sadness still lurked around me.  I couldn’t get over the tragic news from yesterday.   I still had that on my mind when another close/coworker friend told me that her father had passed.  Oh my goodness!!    I REALLY can’t handle this.  All of this hurts me sooo much.   😭😢😭😢   I’m crying my heart out AGAIN

Oct 19 –  2nd round of radiation over and done with.   Today it was much quicker.   And here is my weekly progress.  

 

11 weeks post chemotherapy

 

I didnt realize just how fragile my mental state was.  I’ve always been the perky, happy person.   My mental state was just shattered and everyday I spiraled a little more into that dark abyss.  I hadn’t paid attention until I noticed, I don’t go outside anymore.   I come home after walking with Dominic and crawl back into bed.  I spend my whole day there and when he comes home, I force myself out of bed as if everything is okay.   I don’t sit on my swing, I don’t hear the birds sing or feel the sun shine.  I don’t listen to music.  I don’t feel the breeze.   A lot of the times, I sit in my bathroom and cry.   That’s my crying spot.  My heart feels heavy and empty and the sadness echoes.   For the past few weeks, I’ve been asking myself if maybe I’m depressed but that little voice inside tells me,  “nah, you’re too strong for that shit!”   That other voice says, “yes you are Sue, you ARE depressed.”   I don’t enjoy anything anymore and I just waste my days away.   There are so many things that I could be doing, but I do nothing.   The thoughts that have invaded my mind are scary.   Death has been on my mind a lot.  Yes, you heard me.   The always happy person has thoughts of death.  Something that I never used to think about.   My mind is in turmoil.   I can’t control the thoughts that I’ve been having.  The dread is overwhelming.  I try and talk myself down, like give myself therapy.   For a moment it works, then, there they are again.   During the week I can’t wait for Dominic to get home from school.  Usually when he’s here, everything seems okay.  When he’s at school, I fall apart.  Anxiety hits me sooo bad.   I don’t wanna be alone but at the same time, I don’t wanna be with anyone.   I can’t have a conversation over a text if someone is asking how I’m doing, without crying.  I just come undone.  I put on a happy face cuz I don’t want my son to worry.   On the outside, you could never tell, but on the inside, I’m screaming at the top of my lungs.  Why can’t anyone hear that??  Why can’t anyone see that I’m falling apart?   I’m almost positive I have some form of depression.  I just can’t shake these feelings.  I think Im finally dealing with everything that I’ve been through the past 8 months. It is all hitting me now.   My physical pain hasn’t gotten any better but I get up every day and push through it.  This sadness and feeling blue is horrible.  I think I need a happy pill just to get me over the hump.  I can’t wait to see my doctor.  I’m seriously thinking of asking for something mild.  I’m just not happy and that’s not me at all.   This mental pain is the worst. 

I had my 3rd visit with my physical therapist.   Some of my joints feel a tad bit better.  I don’t hurt so much from my knees anymore.  But I have the pain everywhere else.  Emotionally, I feel a little more broken everyday.  I think I’m just overwhelmed and tired of it all.   I don’t feel like that strong person anymore.  I need a break.  I need a break from life.  I need a serious meltdown.   After I was done with physical therapy, she mentioned that she would like to put me in a program to help get my physical ability and strength back.   It’s a program designated for cancer patients.  It’s called ‘Strive’.   It’s a 6 week program that she thinks will be good for me.  She is insistant about it, but my heart sinks at this suggestion.   I don’t want to do this, not now.  I’ve had appointments shoved up my ass since February.  I still have radiation everyday.   I don’t want more appointments.  I just wanna be done.   I know she’s trying to help me, I just don’t wanna do this.  I walked out of there in tears and cried all the way to my radiation appt.   I can’t do this anymore. 

Things are getting so much worse.  Today, I feel like slitting my wrists’.   That thought has crossed my mind soooo many times.   It’s a good thing that I don’t own a gun, I would have already shot myself.    My heart wants to do so many things but my mind doesn’t let me.   I’m trapped in my mind, lost.  It’s a Prison.  What a horrible place to be.   It’s so dark, lonely and scary.   I have no doubt, I’ve hit rock bottom, face first.  The dreadful thoughts in my mind don’t go away and I can’t control them.  I don’t know how to pick myself back up.  I don’t know how to get better.   I don’t think that I would ever hurt myself but my mind has definitely turned into an evil place.   I feel stuck there.   I wanna be taken out of my misery but then I think of Dominic and how much it would hurt him if I wasn’t here.    I sit in my bathroom in tears, asking God, no – begging him to help me.   To help me get through the day, to keep me from doing something stupid.  “Please help me!!”  I don’t know what’s happening. 

I reached out to a friend.   I called.   We text all the time but we don’t ever talk on the phone.   I needed to talk.   So, I called.   Thinking that she would be there for me, like she has always said,  she blew me off.   I didn’t even get the chance to tell her why I was calling.  She had to go, she couldn’t talk right now.   I was beside myself, going out of my mind.  I needed her help and she wasn’t there.  This added to my already broken mind. 

 Today was so very hard, mentally.    My mind was playing so many tricks on me, it scared me.  It scared me to a point that I needed someone to come stay with me, even though Dominic was here.   It’s Sunday, so I tried to occupy myself with football.  There’s football all day and our team is playing.   My mind wouldn’t let me enjoy it.  My mind had me crawling out of my own skin.  I had anxiety soo bad that my body was shaking with an uncontrolled nervousness.   Mix that with what I think is depression and you have one bad equation.  The bad thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone.   My mind started telling me that what I had (life) wasn’t real.  My home wasn’t real, my job, having a son.  It was all make believe.  I was making it all up and living a life of make believe.   My family photos on my picture wall wasn’t real, I’m making that up.  My mind said that everything around me wasn’t real.  It scared me so bad that I didn’t wanna be alone.  I wanted Dominic to be right there by my side but I also didn’t want him to see how much I was struggling.  I want this to end.   Once again, it’s a good thing I don’t own a gun.   The despair was off the freakin’ charts.

I started telling some of my friends that I was feeling very down, maybe depressed.   Everyone says that I’ll be fine, I’ve had it rough.   Why is it that no one believes you when you’re trying to tell them maybe you’re depressed, literally?  Why do they think it’s just a word to throw around?  That you’re too strong of a person to be feeling this way? 

Thoughts of slitting my wrists’ invade my mind 10fold. 

 I started to get a burn on my skin from the radiation and it feels tingly.   It looks like a sunburn.   I’ve already done a week of radiation.  3 more weeks to go.

“God, please help me.  Can you hear me?  I need your help!!”  I am silently screaming at the top of my lungs.    Why can’t anyone hear me? 

Oct 26 – Today I forced myself to get out of the house.  I made plans to do my hair.  My first haircut and I’m putting a wash out color in it.  Something gentle, cuz I have baby fine hair.   I don’t like all this gray. 

 

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My 1st haircut and color post chemotherapy

My hairstylist, Nicole, whom I’ve had for years, suggested to rub rogaine ( for women) in my hair.   It stimulates the hair folicles to encourage them to grow.  I have also been taking biotin.   That too helps.  I loved the way it came out.  I’ve missed having reddish brown hair. 

12 weeks post chemotherapy

 

You can tell in these pictures that I’ve been crying.  My eyes are all red and I look so sad.  That’s because I am.  I’m not happy at all.  Even though I got my 1st haircut and put a bit of color in it.  I’m still as depressed as ever.   I cried on the way home and cried when I got home.   Today is gonna be a long day.   Dominic goes to his after school program, so I’ll be alone til almost 5.   It’s one of those days where I feel like crawling out of my skin cuz the anxiety is on overload and again I feel like slitting my wrists’.    That thought crosses my mind soo much, it scares me.   It’s on my mind, ALWAYS.  I was going out of my mind and thoughts of death wouldn’t leave me,  I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to reach out before I really did cut myself.  I needed to talk and needed someone to listen.  I NEEDED someone to be there!!   I sent out a text to my friend who I had tried calling just the other day but couldn’t talk.  “I feel like humpty dumpty,  I feel soooo broken”.  While I was waiting for her to respond, I reached out to a couple other friends.   I needed SOMEONE!

   “I’m having a hard time mentally, my mind turned to mush, please tell me it’s gonna get better”.   “I feel like humpty dumpty,  I feel soooo broken”   Out of all the friends I reached out to, all but one responded.   And the one that didn’t respond was the one I needed to talk to.  I needed her.   I needed her to be there for me.  She had always been so comforting.  I never heard from her.  So, I gave up reaching out to her. What if I would’ve slit my wrists that day?  What if I would’ve taken my life?  I needed her and she wasn’t there, again.   Another part of me broke and sunk in further.  It almost threw me over the edge.  But thank goodness for the others.  Thank goodness for Christine and Tammy and Becky and Diana and Celina.   Thank you for listening, for you kept me from doing the unthinkable.   Tammy had warned me of this way back in the beginning.   Did I listen?  Nope.   She kept telling me to take care of my mental health and I thought I was too strong of a person for that.   Now look at me.  I have dreadful thoughts and barely come out of my house.  It hit me, like she said it would and it hit me hard.   I have never felt this low in my life, EVER.   I never knew depression hurt this bad.   I would much rather deal with physical pain any day than to suffer mentally and be lost and trapped in my mind.   It’s the hardest thing and I thought chemo was hard.    They each gave me words of encouragement.    Diana sent me this – 

pep talk

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Oct 28 – Breast cancer walk. 

 My heart has been looking forward to this day, my mind isn’t.  Today I really had to force myself.    I made it through the past few days.   Today is important for me.  In the past I have always done these walks, to bring awareness.   Today, I’m walking for myself.  I am also walking for my fellow fighters and survivors and the ones who couldn’t make it.   Thank you to my crusaders for walking with me today and being with me along this journey.   It is almost over.   Today I walk as a survivor!!  I wore the ‘HOPE’ necklace that was given to me on my 1st day of chemo from another survivor.  

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Despite all of my physical pain, especially in my knees and feet, I completed the whole walk.  Towards the end I amost couldn’t continue, but I made it.  What an amazing event.   So many people participate, it’s awesome.   In some pics, I look happy.   Guess what?  I’m not.

Today is also my son’s birthday.  He turns 14.  This morning was for me, the rest of the day is for him.   We all got together and went out to eat.  It was a good day but I’m still so sad on the inside.

Oct. 29 –  Today I really paid for it.  The walk from yesterday had my WHOLE body aching.  It was so hard for me to just walk.   All I did was lay around the house. 

 Oct 30 – Today has been the best that I have felt since finishing chemo.  That was 3 months ago already.   I almost feel normal.  I hope that it continues and wasn’t just a one time deal. 

 I see my doctor on the 1st.   I can’t flippin’ wait.  I’m gonna spill out everything and see what she tells me.   I KNOW something is wrong with me.  I just don’t feel right mentally.   One day  of feeling good doesn’t make up for all the days I’ve felt crummy.

 10 more radiation left!!!!  

I’m having another rough day.   Everything is just wearing on me.  I have so much to be happy about yet I feel so down.  I  can’t seem to enjoy anything.   I’m just having a hard time.   I don’t have the urge or the motivation to do anything.   Still, I waste my days away in bed.   Thinking about everything that needs to be done but feeling like a prisoner in my own body.   I’m so stuck in a horrible place.   I don’t know how I managed to get here.    I stopped taking the percocet for my pain.   I’ve been researching the symptoms and read that one of the side effects was depression.  So for that reason, I stopped.  I’ve been in a hella pain but something is causing me to sprial downward and fast, I don’t know what it is.  So, I’m forcing myself to get through each day without pain meds.   It’s a battle.   ALL of this is a battle.   

 Radiation has been a piece of cake.  I have a huge skin burn, so I started rubbing some ointment on the whole area.   It’s getting sensitive.  Nov 14th and I’ll be done.   You’re almost there Sue!! 

 Nov 1 –  Today I finally see my primary doctor.  I thought this appointment would never get here.   I hope she can point me in the right direction or give me something that’ll help me feel better.   I told her EVERYTHING!!   I told her I was feeling this way the last time that I saw her but I thought it was something that would go away.   I let it go on too long.  I bawled in her office talking about how low I’ve been feeling.  She was sooo understanding and comforting.   She sat and talked with me.  I told her how much things or events hurt me.  Tragedies of people that I’m not even connected to, just unravel my soul.   I’m in such a dark place and the past 6 weeks have been brutal on my mental health.  I told her about all the dread and the many thoughts of death.  Wanting to slit my wrists’ most days.   I knew something was way wrong.  I AM suffering.  She diagnosed me with post traumatic stress and depression.   She was going to set me up with a therapist but I didn’t want to wait the month that it was going to take to get me in.   I was so bad that I wasn’t gonna last if I had to wait that long.  So, instead I asked her to put me on a medication and she did.   She prescribed me Sertraline 50 mg.   I need to take it everyday.    She’s gotten good, positive feedback on this medication and she believes it will really help me.   Other than the chemo attacking my body, the depression is also a culprit for my physical pain.   I never thought depression could make your body hurt so bad.   She said she was gonna work on getting me back to ‘me’.   I sure hope she does.  She said it was gonna take about 2 weeks for the medication to build up in my system and feel like it’s working.   So, there is a good chance that I’ll feel worse before it gets better.  That thought alone scares me. 

 I filled that prescription as soon as I got it and popped one in my mouth as soon as I got home.  I can’t continue feeling this way.  It’ll cause me to end my life.  Seriously.  The voices in my mind are pure evil.  Demons.   The mental agony is beyond my control.   The depths of this black hole are frightening and the pain ricochets and echos with an unforgiving lonliness in my soul.   Mental pain is BY FAR my most worst experience.  I hope I make it through.  I am hanging on by a thread and I feel like it’s about to break.   Lord help me to hang on.  

 

 

 “Lord, please help me.  Please save me.  I am soo lost.  Please get me through this” 😭

 

Do-not-judge-Season-of-Sadness

 

DEPRESSION HURTS soooo BAD 😢😔😭

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Faith over Fear

#ALMOST THERE 

 

The day is getting sooo close I can almost taste it.  What a journey it has been and one I would never want to do again.  My life has been turned upside down and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to fix it or get back to where it was. . . I can only hope. 

I have 2 weeks and 2 days left. Yes, I have started counting the days.   I mark them off on my calendar.   I have a big pink ribbon marked on the 3rd.   I can’t wait to put a huge ‘X’ over that date.   Looking back, the time has flown.   But going through it day by day, it has drug like a slow locomotive train.   If that even makes any sense.  My nerves have been very calm.  I’m not over anxious like I thought I would be.  Earlier this month I was so anxious for the end to be near,  I was driving myself bonkers.  I can’t believe how calm I have gotten.   I guess it’s because I have such strong faith.  The day will come.  I know it will.   Lately, I don’t talk about it anymore to my people at work and I no longer stay in my room.  I force myself out of there and to do things with my son.  Regardless of how wiped out and drained I feel.   I don’t want him to feel so overwhelmed and stressed like he did.  That scared me way too much.  

As I prepare for my time off of work, I was slapped with the horrible reality that, ‘I WON’T be able to take time off.’    WTF!!!!  What exactly does this mean?    It means, “you can’t take time off.”    WHATTTTTTTTT?!?!?!?!  😱 😭  I don’t understand!!  Help me understand.  Well, it goes like this.   You don’t have enough hours from your last leave of absence (broken ankle)  for this leave to take place.   Not enough time has passed.  There has to be 12 months in between and you need 1250 hours.   I can’t breathe.  Are you kidding me?!?  I’m lost.  I don’t know what to do.  I have been working all through my chemo (and it hasn’t been easy), from the very beginning of my diagnosis and this is what is in store for me?  I still don’t understand.  I have worked myself to the ground, because I have to.   I am soo worn out, my health is on the line.   I speak to my store director about this.  Me – “There has to be something we can do.  As a 25th year veteran of the company, I believe I am a valued employee.”    Him – ‘Yes! you are!  But some rules I have no control over.”  That’s how our contract is and FMLA.  I can take a chance with time off, but it won’t be secured time off.   In other words,  since I can’t do time off through FMLA, I can take time off but my position won’t be secured nor will my rate of pay or my seniority.   *deep sigh*   😢 Well, who wants to take that chance?   I need my job and of course, insurance, but it’s something he can’t override.   Now what?     Me – “What can we do?  Will you help me figure out something?  I can’t continue working like this.   I’ll never get better.”  Him – “Yes, we’ll figure it out.”  This adds to my already high stress level.   Other than the obvious, there are other stresses.   My bank won’t help to bend my mortgage payments for a few months and other things just haven’t worked out.  I swear, when it rains, it pours.   I’m at such a loss with life.  I don’t know which direction to go.  I almost feel like giving up, but I can’t.  My inner soul (the fighter in me) won’t let me.   I’m so unhappy with how things are going.  There has to be a way out of this whole mess of my life. 

 I leave after my work day is done and head on over to the district office to see what and if there is something we can figure out.  I have a hard time believing that I can’t take the needed time off without consequences.  I didn’t ask for this.   It’s not my fault that breast cancer decided to hit me just a few months after a broken ankle.  What about other people who get very ill multiple times a year and need time off?  What do they tell them?    Too bad??    I refuse to believe that! 

 As we go over the past year of my life and my accumulated hours, we try to figure it all out.   Maybe there is a chance I had enough,  it looks that way.   I sure hope so.   Several calls need to be made out to make sure what the exact rules are for the company.  I will find out soon.  

 I get that phone call.   Nope. . . I don’t have enough hours and 12 months has not passed.  I’m shit out of luck.   What else can I do?    

I keep pushing forward and I continue working.  I’m sooo drained 😥  my only option is to keep working.   I’m so tired of stressing over things.   I don’t wanna stress any more. I want things to go back to normal.

Round 10 – Well, I only have 2 more to go.  I marked another day off of my calendar.  That pink ribbon on the 3rd is getting closer.   The fatigue has been hitting me hard and the stress doesn’t help.   I am not sleeping at all.  I have so much on my mind.  The nueropathy in my feet and hands has gotten bad.  My feet feel swollen but they’re not.  My fingernails have turned an ugly yellowish color and I started getting ridges on them.  They have started to pull away from the skin and I’m afraid I’m going to lose them.  I keep bandaids on them, especially when I’m at work.   On a brighter note, I have fuzzies growing all over my head.  you could never tell though cuz they are baby fine.   But yes, they are there.   The heat has been pure torture for me.   The chemo that I’m getting causes your body temperature to rise.  The hot flashes feel like I’m in the fires of hell and I get those like 15 times if not more a day.   Its a heat that comes from the inside out and just flushes all through me.   Its awful.   I’ve had a hot flash here n there in the past but nothing like these ones.  It’s making me hate summer sooooo bad.   The chemo also causes your pain tolerance to be at an all time low.   No wonder I have been suffering so much with pain.   My eyes don’t get so blurry anymore and my mouth not as dry but I still have those mouth sores and it’s already been a month straight.  None of the mouth rinses help anymore.    Oh the joys of the side effects. 

 I’m off to the district office once again.  This time, I am given some helpful information. I was given a glimmer of hope.   Something called ‘seniority leave.’  As long as I have worked for the company, I have never heard of this.  Yes, it is in our contract.  I read it word for word.   I don’t need FMLA for this.  Really?  *gasp*  I try not to get my hopes up.  Every time I do that, they just get crushed.  So, even though I got a bit of excitement, I’m gonna take this at face value.  But i can’t help but wonder.   Why wasn’t I told this before?   Do you know how much stress this information would have saved me?   Why doesn’t everyone know about this?  All I need is to get a doctors note.   Well guess what?  A doctors note they shall have.  I see my oncologist next week.   I’m going to ask him to take me out of work.    Fingers crossed. 

July 21 – Got up feeling fantastic.  Since I just had a round of chemo the neuropathy has my toes feeling very tingly.   It does help a bit to elevate them.   So,  I’ve been doing that.   This side effect worries me a bit cuz it can turn into irreversible nerve damage.   Ouch, I can’t imagine having that in my feet or my hands all the time.   My energy level is awesome today and my appetite is great.  Ugh,  damn you tongue sores!!  When will you go away?!   And I just wish and wish I could get some restful sleep.  Getting closer 😃 

22th – had another great day!  Again, I just wish I could get some restful sleep.   Running on fumes is getting to be very hard.  The hot flashes are getting worse especially at night.  I run my beanie under cold water and put it back on for some freshness and to cool off.  That seems to help some.  Energy level is still pretty good.  Ran some errands with my son, had lunch and got some ice cream.  We got in the pool for a bit, let the floaty take me around.  Overall, things with chemo are pretty good.  Don’t wanna speak to soon, but I think my tongue sores are trying to go away.  They haven’t been so bothersome and they do feel smaller.  I hope.  I’ve really hated those.  They are so painful 😧  The tingling in my toes isn’t bad at all today.  I barely have any.  I still elevate my feet whenever I can and no tingles in my hands or fingers.   Yay!!! 

 Sunday – 11 more days til the end.    I finally started to slowly pull my favorite customers to the side and tell them what’s been going on with me and that they might not see me for a while.  The ones that I couldn’t talk with, I just got their number to call them later.   Oh goodness!  Were they shocked, some sad but very supportive.   I also started telling a few coworkers.  To this day, still, the only ones who know are the 4 I told at the beginning and the one I told mid way through.   How I’ve managed to keep that secret is beyond me.  It’s allowed me to keep things as normal as possible but the whole charade has been stressful.    I can’t wait for it to be over.   It’s awful when you’re asked how you’re doing in the checkout lane and all you do is smile and say, “I’m doing okay.”  When really, you’re whole world is turned upside down.  I hate how things have been but I’ve managed to keep it together.   

I’ve been tempted to spill the beans to everyone (family & friends) on facebook.  I HAVE NOT mentioned anything or even hinted about my situation over social media.  A huge part of me finally wants to let it all out but that other part of me that still wants peace and privacy keeps me from doing so.   A high school friend posted that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.   Oh how that broke my heart.   She has such a huge journey ahead of her.   I have so much to share with her but I don’t want to overstep.  If she asks, I’ll share.   I can’t help but think of all the unpleasantness that’s ahead of her.  It saddens me very much.  She will be in my prayers til she makes it to the end.    

My friend Tammy keeps reminding me to take care of myself.  Not just physically but mentally.   She’s always telling me not to forget about my mental health.  That even though I’ve been a tough girl through all of my chemo, my mental  & emotional health could take a beating.  Dealing with cancer, work, family and me (physically & emotionally)  is A LOT.   I told her I was planning on taking myself out of work.  She was happy about that.   She said I needed that time to heal.   I totally agree.   Mentally and emotionally I’ve done very well.  I haven’t fallen apart.  This worries her cuz I haven’t let it out. I haven’t ‘dealt’ with it emotionally.   I’ve kept things bottled up inside.   I may have a hard time later,  like she did.  There’s a chance I might get depressed.   I listen to everything she tells me,  all her advise.   She should know, she went through this herself.    Physically, everything that I’ve gone through with chemo is spot on to what she went through.   So,  naturally, its safe for her to say, I might get effected emotionally as well.   For me, I just don’t see this happening.   I’m too happy of a person to feel depressed.  I just don’t get that down.  I get sad and yes I get down but never enough to say I feel depressed.   But since she put the thought in my mind I can’t help but hope I come out of this journey unscathed.  I hope things go back to normal.  She says things never go back to normal.   It’s a ‘new’ normal we have to get used to.   What does that mean?   A ‘new’ normal?  I don’t want a ‘new’ normal.  I want my regular normal.   How I was before all of this.   The thought stays stuck in my mind.   

26th – Today I feel wrecked.  I’m just over tired.   I have a round of chemo tomorrow and my LAST one next week.  Plus, I see the doc tomorrow for my last examination.   Oh how the days are starting to drag.    I told them at work that my plans are to go out of work on the 31st.  I’m taking the ‘seniority’ leave of absence.   I’ll need to use all of my vacation hours to hold on to my insurance.   Luckily I have 2 months worth.   So at least I know I’ll have insurance for the months of
Aug & Sept.   Hopefully surgery and radiation will be done in that time frame. 

My older brother invited Dominic to go camping.  They’ve been planning for a few weeks.  They leave tomorrow until Sunday.  My son needs this.   He needs some breathing room.  I think he needs space from me.  He sees me struggling on a daily basis and I feel he just needs to get away.  this will be good for him.  They’re going to Heron Lake.  How fun.  I just love camping and being outdoors.  But this damn chemo and effects from it have kept me from doing just that.  But I think I’ll meet them up there on Friday since tomorrow I have chemo.   I’ll go on Friday and come back on Saturday.  If I feel okay.  I want my son to enjoy himself and have the best time.   He needs a fishing license and to pack.  

July 27th –  My son leaves to go camping for the weekend.   Gosh I’m gonna miss him.  I haven’t been by myself this whole summer.  I hope I don’t go out of my mind.  I should be okay.   “Bye my Lovey, have the best time!  I hope to see you tomorrow!!”  😍 😘

Today I see the doctor.   Examination day.   YAY!!!!   Excellent news!   The lump is no longer there.  This news puts me over the moon.  I.am.sooo.excited!!!   This has been the journey from hell.  Oh how I have hated it with a passion but the chemo has done its job.   As horrible as it has all been,  the chemo did what it was supposed to do.  It killed the lump.  I’m so happy I’m almost in disbelief.   Since February, all I have gotten is bad news.   I’ve been praying for this.  I didn’t want to go through this and not come out on the brighter side of things.   I didn’t want to do it for nothing.   Now, I can actually be thankful for chemo.   How odd to really say that.   Oh chemo, you have been such a misery but thank you for killing that lump.  Thank you for giving me some hope to still live.  Thank you for my life.   It was worth it.   You tried to put fear in me but my God is stronger than you,  I chose faith instead.   

~~FAITH OVER FEAR~~   

 I ask the doctor if he will take me out of work.  He said that I had done so good, why now?  I told him that i was just too worn out.   Too drained and I didn’t want to continue putting myself through that misery during surgery and radiation.   It was time for me.  Time to start healing.  To rest and get better so I can be %100 again.   At first he told me ‘NO’.   lol   he was only kidding.  But he agreed to take me out.   Yay, I got my doctors note.  My return date is Nov. 1.   That should give me plenty of time.   Time enough for surgery, radiation, healing and to get back to ‘me’.  I’m so happy 😃

  I am off to do my 11th round of Taxol with renewed energy.  My ultrasound, mammy and a visit with the surgeon is scheduled for Aug.  What a great day it is.   After my chemo, I was feeling so good Clara Sue and I decided to go shopping.   Hobby Lobby.   Oh Jesus.  I love Hobby Lobby soooo  much,  I need to be kept away from there.  haha.   I need adult supervision in that store.  I need to be held by the hand.   I’ll buy everything even with money I don’t have. . . . .but we went  😛 

It’s been a great day, even though I was by myself for the rest of it.   Think I’ll get some things ready.   I think I will go camping and meet them up there.   It’ll be a boring long drive by myself but maybe it’ll be good for me.  I know getting away certainly will be.  I get my nephew to house/animal sit. 

 ONE MORE TO GO!!!!!   I can’t wait!!   

28th –  I get up and get ready to take off to Heron Lake to meet my brother & fam and my son.  I feel pretty good.  I’m excited.  I can’t believe I am at the point where I can truly say, “I have one more round to go!”   I  didn’t think I would ever get to this point.  When I’m done, that’ll be 16 rounds.  16 rounds of poison that got pumped through my body.   16 rounds that killed everything in me including the good stuff.  But I’m alive.   I’m still here and I hope to be for many more years to come. 

 My nephew comes to house sit and I’m off to the Lake.  Me, myself and I with just my thoughts and good music.  I should get there by 4:30.   2 hours in,  ‘ I am really enjoying this drive’.  It helped to clear my mind.  It helped to push out all the stressful and negative stuff that I’ve been going through.  I love jamming out in the car to good music.  About 20 min to go,  Wow, look at that storm up ahead.   It looks mad and threatening.  I’m gonna drive right into it.  It looks so angry and mean.  The sun went away and it got so dark.  The temperature is really dropping.  It was in the high 90’s went I left.  Now it’s already in the 70’s, geez, what a difference.    I wonder if they’re getting poured on at the lake?   Here come the rain drops.  Okay, now it’s coming down harder.  What the heck,  it’s hailing.   Now I can’t even see.  It’s coming down so fierce with big hail, I’m forced to drive like a turtle.   I can barely see the brake lights of the car in front of me.  This is creepy.  I’ve never been in a rain/hail storm like this.  Good thing I am almost there, I know the turn off is coming up.  I must not have phone service, my brother is not responding.  Or he doesn’t have any.   This is horrible.  The hail is gonna crack my windows it seems like.  The lack of visibility is making is very scary.  Oh good, there’s the turn off, almost there.   Things look familiar.    OH SHIT!!!!!!    I turned on the wrong one.   Couldn’t see the signs at all.   NO NO,  I don’t want to go this way!   I tried to correct myself and turn around.   It was raining so bad that everything was nothing but ugly muck.  As I was turning to correct myself my tires caught the edge of the slippery road and I slid off into the mud/muck.    I slid right off the road.  I can get out, I’ll be okay.   *tires spinning and spinning*    I AM SOOO STUCK and I’m sliding further in.   It’s raining too much.   No one is stopping to see if everything is okay.  They are just driving by.   I call my brother.   No service.   What do I do??   My tires kept spinning and because of that I managed to turn my whole vehicle around, I did a 180.  From one direction to the other.  It’s no use, I’m not gonna get out of here.  I started having a panic attack.  Here I am, a cancer/chemo patient,  in the middle of no where, stuck in the mud on the side of the road (vehicle facing the opposite direction) in the pouring rain by myself with no phone service  😭😭😭   For almost 1/2 an hour I tried to get myself out (only making it worse).   I should already be there.   They’re gonna start to worry.   I started breathing so heavy from the panic I’m surprised I didn’t pass out.  I couldn’t even get out of my car the mud was that deep.  I sent a text to my brother, maybe he’ll at least get that.   “I’m stuck bad, come get me”.    It was no use.   I put the car in park and just sat there.  One by one the cars drove by.   I tried not to think bad thoughts but my mind is an asshole.  What if someone stops and they turn out to be a creeper?  Oh Lord, please help me!  The cars are going East & West, I’m facing South.   No one bothered with me.  This is just like how my life has been going.  Of course I would get stuck.  Nothing outside of chemo has been turning out right.   FINALLY a couple stopped, rolled down their window and asked if I was okay.   I was okay, over stressed and panicked but very stuck.   The man got out, tried to help but I was going to need a tow strap or a chain to get pulled out.   My AWD had failed me.   I was sooo stuck.   When another couple passed in a heavy duty truck and saw the man trying to help, they too stopped.   Luckily, he had a tow strap and by this time the rain had stopped.  My brother responded, he got my text.   He’ll be right there.  I told him some people were trying to help.   The man couldn’t get under my vehicle with the way it was positioned and he was too burely to do so.   His wife was small enough.   She pulled out her rain boots from the truck, put them on, got in the mud and under my vehicle and hooked me up.   Another person stopped and asked if we needed more help.  They got in their truck and pulled me out ‘just like that’.   The other couple hung around to make sure that I was okay.   I was out.   What a relief.   The wife got so dirty and messy but she helped anyway.   Thank you Lord for sending such kind people.   Yes, there are still lots of good ones out there.  I am so grateful.  What an ordeal.   My brother showed up just as they were leaving.  We turned around and went back to the camping site.   They hadn’t had a drop of rain.   Funny how that works.    It could be pouring cats n dogs and just a mile or so away, it’s dry as hell.   Yup, that sounds just like my life.   Exactly!!  We got to the campsite.  Nope,  no rain but it looks like it’s coming.   I had gotten so stressed and panicked that I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the day.   It was passed 5:30, I should’ve been here over an hour ago.  My son got so worried about me.  I did my best to enjoy.  The ordeal left me wiped out.  I was sooo drained.  Why can’t things go right for once???    The outdoors, the smell of rain and the fresh mountain air slowly started to ease my troubled mind but it took forever.   That panic attack I had seemed to settle in my bones.   *sigh*   All I want is to have a good time.   It wasn’t supposed to start off like this 😔  My life’s situation makes it so easy to get stressed and stressed I felt.  I didn’t have the energy for that kind of episode.   Time for a walk.  I need to breathe.  Here comes the rain.  I feel worn out.  Enjoy yourself Lovey, don’t worry about me.  As long as YOU have a good time.   

Earlier in the day he had caught 2 fish.   But one got away and the other was too small so he let him go.   He came out empty handed.  He was bummed out.  Better luck tomorrow. 

29th – Couldn’t sleep worth a darn and it rained good through the night.   The stress from the day before left my body achy and hurting.  I didn’t feel good.  Oh well,  time for breakfast over the campfire and let’s go fishing.   Dominic wants to fish out of the Chama river.   Let’s go!! 

Coopers Ranch – What a great sight.   It’s beautiful here and it smells wonderful!   I love the smell of mountain air.   The sound of the running water from the river is amazing, its so soothing.   I soak it all in.   It makes my soul feel great and the sun is shining.   This is just what I needed.   My brother drove and we all piled in the truck.   So I didn’t need to worry about any mishaps.   On the way here we passed where I got stuck, geez,  what a mess it left.  A road sign is knocked down.   Did I hit that trying to get out??  I don’t remember doing that.   Thinking about yesterday made the stress come back.    I need to focus on the surroundings.    *sucks in breath*  look at the elk.   I love wildlife.   I love the outdoors.  

 Back at the river – We find a great spot.   Man there are lots of people here.   Dominic and my niece get their lines ready and throw them in.   Good luck, I hope you catch something.    Look at the fish jumping up!   It’s like they’re saying, “na-na na-na boo boo, haha, just try and catch me!”

 

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This is how my son catches fish!

 

 

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What a life! 🙂

 

He got a couple of bites, but no luck 😦    He was very disappointed.   After a few hours he got tired of not catching anything so we decided to go for a walk.   It was Dominic, my niece and myself along with my nieces’ pup.   We crossed the Swaying metal bridge suspended over the river.  They went first.  I was holding the dog so his paws wouldn’t get stuck and I started to cross.  Holding the dog, I went while they waited for me on the other side.   Oh my goodness!!!   The rapid flow of the river and the swaying of the bridge threw my head in a tailspin. I got soooo dizzy, I thought I was going to pass out and fall right over.  I couldn’t get my bearings.  I thought it was all over.   I was thinking, “I’m going to fall in the river and get swept away”.   That has never happened before.  It was like motion sickness.   It must be all the medication I’m on.  I’m gonna die trying to get across.   I had gotten half way and almost couldn’t go anymore.  It felt like I had made a bad decision.   I can’t believe the way it made me feel, like severe vertigo.   It just wouldn’t stop spinning. After what seemed like forever, I got across.   That was horrible.  It made me feel scared.   I hate all these changes.   I always enjoy stuff like this.   Grateful that the dog and I made it across, I had to sit down and let my spinning mind come to a stop.   Believe it or not, I was afraid to go back.   We climbed up a rock that seemed to take all my energy and just sat there.   What a nice view.  Why can’t I just be able to enjoy things without something to blow out the happiness?    After some time up there we climbed back down.   Geez, that was hard for me.   Now to go back across.  I don’t know if I’ll make it.  This time, Olivia carried the pup and I was able to hold on to the sides with both hands.    Here comes the spinning again.   Oh I hate this.   I made it but again it felt like I was gonna fall right over.   This was a bad idea.  I’m worn out and ready to go back to the campsite.   After my brother had caught some more fish we packed it up and left for a drive.   We went to El Vado Lake just for some sights.  Here come the mean clouds.  Looks like the rain is on its way.   Yup, we drove right into the downpour.  It was just like yesterday but without the hail.  We got to El Vado and just drove around.   After a bit we found such a nice quiet fishing spot down below to maybe check out next time.   It was a bit of a walk down the mountain but it looked perfect.   Everyone started walking down.   I started but only went half way for fear I wasn’t gonna have the energy to walk back up.   How depressing.   It’s depressing when you can’t do the things you’ve always enjoyed.  When you can’t take a walk or hike or climb up a mountain cuz you might not have the energy to make it back.   I started breathing heavy.  As much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t.   I watched from above.  I watched as my son skipped rocks on the lake.   This is heartbreaking.  I want to be involved.   I want to be normal again.  I’m missing out and it’s making me sad 😢  No matter how hard I try, I just don’t have the energy.   I took pictures from afar.    

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Walking back up left me spent.   I had the shakes and needed to sit down.  My brother gave me a stick to use for support as I walked back up.   My situation has me miserable.   Next summer I wanna do this all again as a happy, healthy human being.  Where I’m able to have fun and enjoy it and not worry about passing out or not having energy or whatever.   This journey has been the bane of my life.   It has robbed me of so much happiness.   I’ll say it again,   “I can’t wait til it’s all over!!!”  5 more days.   I know the chemo is saving me but I can’t wait for it to be over.   

Back at campsite –   I know my visit was short but I need to leave.   I have work early tomorrow.   And I need to rest.   This took it out of me.  I was planning on leaving and we got hit with a downpour that lasted for a couple of hours.   As I got ready to take off, Dominic decided he was gonna come back home with me.   He got so worried with me getting stuck yesterday, he didn’t want me driving back home alone.   So, he packed his things and came back with me.   I felt like I had ruined his trip.   But we came home.   The 3 hour drive didn’t help but, oh well.    Got home beyond exhausted and I paid for it the rest of the day.    Thought I was gonna sleep like a champ from it all,  nope. . . . couldn’t sleep a wink.   Dominic didn’t say anything and honestly, I think he was happy that he came back with me. 

Sunday – July 30th –   Oh man!!  I got up feeling horrible.  I can’t move.  I hurt sooo bad but I have to go to work.   A few more days.   The day was rough for me.   Talked to a few other customers and told them I’ll be going out of work.   I went home miserable.   A few more days and I’ll be all done.  A few more days and I’ll be out of work.  I am almost there.  I know I can make this to the end.   Can’t quit now, I’ve come way too far.   Thursday, I can’t wait for you to come.   When I am all done, I’ll be a week and a half shy of 5 months of chemo.    5 months of pure hell and misery and torture I have never known.  I’m just a few days away of having my life back.   I’ve missed my life how it used to be.  I want to do so many things when this is all over.  I pray for Thursday to come quickly.   I pray for things to go smooth and I pray to feel better.   I sure hope my mental and emotional health don’t suffer.   Why is that thought so stuck in my mind?   I have a feeling I’m gonna fall apart, have a breakdown.  I haven’t really cried while I’ve been going through all of this.  I haven’t let it out.   When I ring that bell I think I’m just gonna crumble.    I need that release.   I need to cry a million rivers of tears.   What a relief that’s gonna be.   My chest is just gonna cave in.  I know it is but that’s okay.  I’ve been a strong woman through this all.   I’ve kept myself going and working with sheer determination.   By the end of the week my chemo journey will be all over.  Next week at this time I’ll be free from the horrors. 

July 31 – Well today was supposed to be my last day of work.   But once again I was slapped in the face with the fact that I am short on my hours to keep my insurance while I’m out of work.    Eff me!!    Is it ever gonna stop?   I feel like I just keep going in circles.  Like if someone is working against me.    I don’t need much so I guess I’ll work til the end of the week. 

As strange as it is I feel pretty good today and still as calm as ever.   All my pains from the weekend camping trip are gone.  Yay!!!   I turned in all my paperwork for my time off.   I just need to gather some more hours.   

Tuesday –  2 more days!!   I feel pretty amazing.   I’m almost in disbelief that the end of this journey is near.    Is it really happening?       

Something keeps nagging at me.   I hope I don’t come out of this too damaged or too emotionally scarred.    I share my concerns with others.   Why is that starting to bother me so much?   I hope I’m still the same person I was before.   Whatever this ‘new’ normal is supposed to be, I hope it makes me happy.  I guess we shall see. 

 I wrote out what I want to say to everyone on facebook but I just haven’t posted it yet.  I really put time and effort into to what and how I wanted to say it.   Gosh, I’m gonna shock them all.   I hope they understand.   Family on my Moms’ side don’t even know.   Even though I’ve told a few more people, my circle is still very small.  I think I’ll post it tomorrow.  The day before my last treatment.   

Well, you could never tell but the fuzzies on my head are really growing.    I still look bald but close up you can kinda see.   I can’t wait for real hair to grow in so I can get rid of this dreadful wig.   I’m starting to hate it.   I think I might like having short hair.    Who knows.   I wonder if it’ll grow out straight or come out curly like I’ve had?   I’ve been told it could grow out way different from how it used to be.    hmmmmm.   My tongue sores have not gone away.   geez, that’s going on like 7 weeks now.    Soon,  my mouth won’t feel yucky anymore.  I’ll be able to taste all of my food and it won’t be dry.   My eyes will be normal.  All of those medications will stop, including the steroids.  Maybe I can actually start getting some sleep.   I’m looking forward to sooo many things.   

The pic below has been a hard one for me to share.   It’s a few weeks old but I’m gonna put it on here.   It’s the reality of my life.  How things have come to be.   I know it won’t last forever.   I just need to give it time and be patient.  

 

 

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Baldy

 

My Reggie!!  He always lays with me to make sure I’m okay.   I think he can feel my distress, as of late.   

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Wednesday – One more day!!  One more day!!    Ahhhh, Is the day really tomorrow?   Strangely, I’m still finding it hard to believe.   Why is that?   Did I really make it this far?  I’ve waited for sooo long it seems for this day to get here.   I’m excited and still very calm.     I took this picture of the bell last week.   Soon,  I’ll be ringing it.   I’ve asked for all of my ‘crusaders’ to be there.   No ifs, ands or butts.   It’s important for me.   We are all gonna ring that bell together.  For they have all been with me.  I CAN’T WAIT!!!!! 🙂  

 

 

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The bell!

 

With a little bit of hesitation, I posted my news on facebook for the rest of my family and friends.   No, it didn’t go out to the world.   It went to ‘MY’ people only.    I have been carefully writing that out like if it was a school paper.   A rough and a final draft.   I selected careful wording.   I didn’t want it to be so rough of a blow.   I can only imagine when they read it.   I have tried so hard to keep my life normal.  Like my Auntie said, “sheer determination”.   With no one knowing.  Cuz I didn’t want to talk about it all the time.  I didn’t want that to be the topic of conversations.   I’m ready now.   It’s time to tell them.   I cried as I put it on there.    It’s posted.  Here we go.  Please don’t be upset cuz I didn’t tell you sooner.   I hope you understand.  I’m fiercely private.   I love you all ❣ ❣ ❣

 

 

 

Is it true? ?   Do I really get to ring that bell tomorrow?!. . . . . . 😃 😃 😃