Nov. 15th

Well. . . . today I was gonna try to start picking up the pieces of my scattered life.   That was my plan.  Unfortunatley,  late yesterday afternoon, I ended up in excruiating pain.  Good God!!  When will this ever end??   If it’s not one thing, it is always another  😢

After I rang that bell yesterday, I had lots of hope that my mind, body and soul were on the road to recovery.   I just new it had to get better.  Right?!?  Treatment is over.   I FINALLY got the ‘all clear’ signal,  I rang that bell that pretty much indicates you have been released from hell.  Life will be good.  I hope I can find all those scattered pieces of my life that have been strewn about the last 10 months.   I had that release of emotions that had been building up all this time.  I cried til I couldn’t cry anymore.  I was feeling good about things.  Things are gonna get better.  I just knew it.   

How foolish of me to think that. . . . . .

For out of the blue, I was hit with excrutiating back pain.  Oh my word, the pain is unbearable 😫  I’ve been here before.   I know this pain.   I know it all too well.  Especially this past year.   I have kidney stones. . . . .AGAIN!!!!   What the hell!!  Is it ever gonna stop?!  The physical pain that I have endured this whole year is like none I’ve ever had before.  It’s like a cycle.   It just keeps restarting over and over.  My body is tired.   My mind is tired.  My heart is tired.    Treatment wreaked havoc on my body and obviously, it still is.    I wonder if there will ever be an end in sight?   I wonder if I will ever have anything good and bright to share?   All I share is this horrible journey that has become my life.    This has to be like the 4th or 5th time I’ve gotten kidney stones since starting treatment.   Them suckers are so painful.   I guess all the excitement I had after ringing the bell triggered that little asshole to cause me pain.  And pain there was.   I can’t seem to catch a break.  I refused to go to the ER because there is absolutely nothing they can do but give pain meds and let it run it’s course.  Also. . . I didn’t feel like spending my whole night there.  Waiting.   When I could at least rest in my own bed and feel miserable without nurses constantly walking in on me. *sigh*

I took some of the pain killers 💊 that were given to me for my joint pain.  I threw those up 🤢 🤮 Took some more.   Threw those up as well 🤢  can’t keep anything down.   I won’t take anymore meds.   I’m too afraid.  I guess I’ll just deal with it.   Til the pain goes away. 

   I don’t wanna keep going through this.  I want things to start getting better.   I want my life back.  I want to enjoy things again.  I don’t want to always be in pain.   

My furbaby, Reggie, must’ve sensed my distress.   He laid with me,  curled up right next to my head.   He’s my therapy right now.   He keeps me calm.    Furbabies are the best 💕🐈🐾

Next morning – 

I’m doing better today.  So far, no pain.  I think Reggie feels relieved all my turmoil is over.  He’s been by my side.  He slept above my head on the pillow all night and now he’s laying right beside me.  

I still haven’t passed the kidney stone yet but I don’t have pain anymore.   I didn’t sleep well at all but. . . . today is a new day. 

 I’m gonna try harder to have calmer days.  I think I had that release I’ve been needing.  Maybe not all of that built up anguish came out,  but a lot did.  I hope it helps me.   Everyone tells me that things will get better.   I sure hope so.  I’m waiting patiently.   

Today is our Thanksgiving potluck at work.  I haven’t been there but was invited to come.  I thought today might have been stressful due to the night I had but it was actually a good day.   I  actually woke up wanting to do things.   Yay.   I made some treats to take to the potluck.   Crockpot candy.   mmmmm.  I’ve missed my work family.   I can’t wait to see them.    I also got to spend some time with Clara Sue.   That’s always a plus 😊 

Nov.  17th – 

 I was invited to help serve lunch at the elementary school that my son used to go to.  My friend, Christine,  thought that it would be a good idea.   Just to get me out of the house.  Because I had been feeling so down the past few months.  My wrists’ still hurt me a ton and I keep a brace on my right one, but I think I would enjoy it.   I love seeing all the little kids. I hope my energy holds up. 

 My wrists’ bothered me a whole bunch, but I really enjoyed hanging out at the school with the kids.   Now that Dominic is in middle school, it’s not the same not having Thanksgiving lunch with him.   I miss that.  Today turned out to be an okay day.   Even though I really enjoyed it, I went home very tired and here comes that sadness 😢

 I’m still somewhat locked in my own mind.

 

This picture ^ ^ ^ ^  SPEAKS VOLUMES to me!!! 

I remember when this was me.   This IS me.  Locked in my mind.  A prisoner.   Not knowing how to escape.  Feeling exactly like this, but smiling and laughing around anyone else.   By myself, I’m a wreck,  but when I’m with you, you would never know the struggles that are going on within me. 

 Today it’s been a little over 2 weeks since I started on that medication for my PTSD and depression.  After hitting rock bottom, crying all the time, the anxiety and having suicidal thoughts, I had to do something or I was gonna end my life.  Gosh, things got sooo bad, mentally for me.   What a dark place I was in.  The darkest.  It was scary.  I thought for sure I would end things.  And I probably would have, if I didn’t seek help.   I’m so glad I did.   And if YOU need to, please reach out and ask for help.   Depression/anxiety is a horrible illness and you are never alone.  Asking for help does not make you a weak person.   It makes you a strong one, because you want to live your life happy and healthy. 

I am finally up to the full dose of the medication.  It should really start kicking in and working.    I had to start off with only a half of the dose, 25 mg and now I’m at 50mg.  I need mental relief.    I need to keep reminding myself that recovery is a slow process and I need to learn how to be patient.  

For those of you that are wondering, yes,  I am still keeping up with my hair regrowth progress.   Here are this weeks pics

15 weeks post chemotherapy

No curls yet.  Wonder if my hair will be curly like it was before?  I do have a bit of a wave in it.   So, I guess we’ll see.   I really don’t like the color that it’s taking on but hey, at least I have hair.   Exciting!!

 From my friend, Celina ❤❤

 

My wings are slowly starting to grow back.  Hopefully soon I’ll be gliding along with that gentle breeze. 

Nov. 19 – 

I really hadn’t paid much attention, til I finally noticed. . . . I felt the breeze on my face.   I felt the sun on my skin.   I heard the birds singing.   Oh my, what a wonderful feeling.  I close my eyes and take it all in.  I hadn’t felt any of that in months.  I was so lost in my mental prison, my darkness, all that sadness and pain, that I forgot what all of that felt like.  It’s wonderful.   I’ve missed it.  Oh how I’ve missed it.  I hope things are starting to look up for me. 

Nov. 20th – 

I can honestly say that my days are slowly starting to get brighter.   Can you believe I’m saying that?   I take my medication faithfully and yes,  it is helping.  One day at a time.   This past week had been good.  Every day gets better.   The days have been a bit chilly.  Today I made the first fire of the season in my woodstove.   And of course when there is a fire,  I had to put up some beef jerkey to dry. 

The pain in my knees and feet went away.   The tingling in my fingers is pretty much gone from the neuropathy.  And another thing I hadn’t noticed til now,  my hot flashes are gone.  Remember I wrote about those?  Good Lord those were awful.  I always felt like I was melting and it seemed like it would happen all day long.  I can’t tell you how long its been since they’ve disappeared.   I had so many other things going on that I don’t even know when it stopped.   My body doesn’t hurt as much anymore.  I still have the pain in my wrists’.

 Nov.  22  –   

What a beautiful November day!! 🍁🍂☀🍁

   

Hair progress.  I think I see a hint of some curl there in the back.   It is really starting to thicken up. 

16 weeks post chemotherapy 

 Nov. 23 – 

I have soo much to be thankful for.   I am here, I am alive and I am doing a lot better.   Thank you to all my friends and family that stayed by my side and fought this battle with me.  I love you all.  Thank you for being a part of my life. 

 Nov. 27  – 

I am happy to report that I have been doing so good.  And the sun in my days has been shining bright ☀   My wrists’ still bother me a bunch, but can you believe that is my only gripe?   I went to the Dr and I have DeQuervain’s tenosynovitis in both wrists’.   It’s a form of severe tendonitis.  My thumb tendons at my wrists’ are so inflammed they have a popping/getting stuck feeling.  I may need injections.  I can’t believe how bad my joints, muscles and everything else got effected by treatment.  sheesh

I go back to work on Dec. 10.   I can’t believe it is time to go back.   My year drug, yet it went so fast.   Only few would understand that.  I’m ready.  I think I’ve had enough time off to get myself somewhat of where I used to be, mentally and physically.   I’ve really missed being around everyone.  I’m going to start off slow at first and see how it goes.  I still have a lot of problems with my wrists’, but that is my only problem.  I have been waiting a long time to feel better.  And I finally do.   Not 100% , but a signifiant difference. 

 Weekly hair progress

17 weeks post chemotherapy 

l👀k at ALL that curl 😃  I think it is safe to say that my hair will still be curly.    Look at the way it is growing in!!  Of course, I don’t like the color that it is, but that can be taken care of.   I’m excited!   😁My radiation burn is in full force.  Ouchie    My scars are healing  nicely.   My lymph node scar is very sensitive.   Especially since my radiation burn reaches that area.   I still put aquaphor ointment on several times, daily.   It helps with the itch and the overall burn.   Wearing a bra is almost impossible, so I have found that sports bras work best for me.  I know one day all of this will be a thing of the past, but for now, I just do my very best. 

 I can’t believe Christmas is right around the corner.  I don’t know where Nov. went and Dec. has it’s foot on the gas pedal.  I almost can’t keep up.   Don’t think this bad of me, but I’m not really looking forward to Christmas.  I’m not a bah humbug, just not feeling it.  I just want to get through the rest of the year.  That’s all. 

 For the love of God!!  Can you believe I caught a cold?  The whole time that I was in treatment, not once did I get sick with a cold or any flu like symptoms.   Now that it is all said and done,  I get sick.   Just my luck.  Why do things happen that way?  And it’s a stubborn one.   It has me feeling groggy and tired.  Can someone come take care of me??

I go back to work in a few days.  I have been out since Aug 4.  4 months almost to the day.  I really needed that time off.   It was good for me.  But I really believe I am ready to go back to work.   To have a sense of normal back in my life.   I’ve missed everyone, especially my customers.   I’m not looking forward to all the questions of  ‘ why were you out of work?’ ,  ‘why is your hair short?’.   Things like that.   I am an EXTREMELY private person, unless I have talked to you about it, I don’t really feel like explaining to everyone that I have been fighting the good fight.   I just wanna go to work and work.   Don’t feel like talking about my struggles.  Honestly, I’m over it.  The subject is old.   I am cancer free and I want my days and conversations to be cancer free as well.  I’ve dealt and talked about it plenty this WHOLE year.   I don’t want to talk about it anymore, especially at work.   

Dec. 9th – 

Tomorrow I go back to work.  EEEkk.  Sunday is my favorite day to work.   I’ll get to see all my Sunday peeps.  I’m excited about that.  I’m looking forward to it.   It’ll be  a good day.   Since I’m going back to work I wasn’t going to go with all that gray in my hair, sooo, I colored it.  A soft auburn/brown color.  Now I’m ready!! 😀  Look out world.   Here I come!!

Tomorrow I go back to work.   A new day.  New beginnings.  Starting over 🙂